Can't talk now...I'm writing my latest screenplay

Tomorrow begins Script Frenzy! It is a creative journey to write a feature length screenplay (or stage play) in just 30days. I did it last year and it was so much fun. 100 pages, all formatted for a screenplay (which is very different and hard to get used to). Luckily, I also get some cool screenplay writing software.

Doing this last year really changed me. I rediscovered my love of writing. I almost moved to go to screenwriting school! I even entered (and placed!) in some screenwriting contests. You would be so surprised at the stuff that comes pouring out when you are under a deadline and are not editing your work(that is part of the fun...you just write a draft, and then edit it later...no one even reads it). Every scene that jumps into my head goes on the page, with all the cuts coming later. Re-reading last years, some of the scenes I was most unsure of are the ones that I ended up liking the most. Plus, I enjoy making my soundtrack as I go, then making a copy of it and listening to it often. For almost every scene I write, there is a song that goes along with it. You begin to see your life in a whole new light for this month. Everything becomes a potential scene, a possible conflict for your characters, a great conversation to fill the gap between scene 15 and 16.

Everyone has a story to tell, whether we choose to write it in screenplay form, journal form, short story, photographs, blog or novel. Everyone. You begin to understand your life better and make connections that you didn't see as you tell your story. Your story is begging to be told, to be remembered, to be made sense of.

We have all been trained to believe that you have to be a 'good writer' to tell a good story. That is crap. As long as you write, you are a writer. I used to be afraid to write becuase I was afraid of what people would think if/when they read it. I was pretty sure that I wasn't Wendell Berry or Harper Lee, so I assumed my stories weren't as important. Ha! I now know better.
So I challenge you to write. Whatever, whenever, wherever, just write. Heck, why not even join me and write a screenplay this month? It is so freeing.

Besides, do you know how cool you sound saying that you are "writing your latest screenplay"? Pretty damn cool. Watching movies and scouring record stores and the internet for obscure songs become research, not a time waster.

So, this month I will have a notebook and/or laptop in front of me. I will be drinking copious amounts of coffee and keeping strange hours. Don't be alarmed if I quickly start jotting things down as we talk, or ask you the name of the band who had that 'one song that year that went like this...". It will all make sense when Searchlight buys the rights. Who knows, you may see someone who is startlingly similar to you...

Little Darlin' it seems the snow is slowly melting

Pictures from Easter!
Some were taken by me, some by family...some even by my 5 year old brother. There are many, many more, but these capture the day pretty well. Enjoy.

She's not so usual

Tonight I was hurriedly getting ready to go out to listen to a rock and roll band and drink a few ale's, finishing dinner and scrubbing the dirt from under my nails. I realized that I probably smell like bacon and dirt, and then I thought "Surely that is some guys dream!". Then I laughed my butt off alone in my apartment and thought "hmmmm, crazy: not most guys dream.".

Listen when all of this around us'll fall over, I tell you what we're gonna do

Ok, this is going to be a rant. I am SO MAD! Please excuse the rampant use of ‘adult words’.
Is God fucking with me? Seriously. Today I finally got my car back from a week long service visit. It is still busted. As I was realizing this on the way to drop off the car I borrowed, I was pulled over. Now I am out the money for the crap job on my car, AND a ticket. Oh and did I mention…my license is suspended for a ticket that I paid over the phone but did not go through. So now I have to pay exhorbitant fees for that in addition to the ticket (also bogus…I did NOT coast through the stop sign…at least he didn’t arrest me for the suspended license) in addition to the car repairs that still need to be done.

I can handle the big stuff. But this little shit is killing me. Car stuff, termites, moving, leaky toilets, job chaos…It feels so overwhelming. I am supposed to trust God? WHAT? Show up and I will. Throw me an effing bone here. I am not asking for an entire life change…how about a month where I can feel some rest? A fucking respite.

If my belief was in my hands, I would be out of the game. I am sick of this, and so tired.

I am glad it is sunny out, even though I have no windows to see it with! I can feel
it.

UPDATE: came home to Termite Carpeting. Then, an hour later the toilet started overflowing. A trip to Western later and still overflowing...called the landlord and still waiting for the 'emergency line' to call us back at Midnight.
I may or may not have gone #1 outside...I have a secluded backyard area with a huge bush blocking things...
Pictures below.




The good thing is that my sister is with me, so we laughed SO hard. Literally crying. I am so thankful she was here to help me deal with things and laugh at ourselves. I love you Ash!!

You light the fire, I'll place the flowers in the vase that we bought today

As most reader know by now, I am in a home-changing frenzy. Because of this, I pore over decorating magazines and check websites obsessively. Today I thought that I would post some of my favorite images. I am supposed to look at these and decide what my style is. Any ideas how to describe this? I am looking for repeating elements, colors, patterns and shapes

I am sure I would never have insomnia in this bedroom


Some of these outside my window would be just lovely

.
With a room like this as an office/workroom...


This as a dining nook:


The outside looking a bit like this birdhouse, but with many, many, many more windows...and a porch. Ok, maybe just use this as a birdhouse!


Live here instead:

can't you just picture it. With some big curtains to be drawn back every morning? sigh.

On this street (but in Cali!). This picture reminds me of You've Got Mail. "If I knew who you are, I would buy you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils".


These growing outside on my patio, perhaps on the bistro table where I eat breakfast every morning


My T-shirts organized just so, as opposed to crammed in every closet, in my dresser, top of the closet, USPS bins...


Zebra print underfood, maybe in the living room?


And these little goats in the backyard...and in my bike basket. Maybe my obsession with local food and goat cheese has gotten a little out of hand...I have named one of them Pabst




Pictures come from Apartmenttherapy.com and I Suwanee.

The Lovers, the Dreamers and me

I can't get this song out of my head today. I am not sure why, but I love it. The Muppet Movie was my favorite as a child, so much so that I can still recite along with the movie in some parts! Maybe this song will stir up some good memories in you as it did me.

The Rainbow Connection

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Some versions to consider:

The original Kermit version:



The Jason Mraz version (Mraz is a guilty pleasure of mine...I love his voice, and especially on this song):


Andy from The Office, the height of romance:

Weekend round-up

This weekend round-up is belated due to exhaustion. I was too tired from the very weekend I was attempting to write about. After 2 rambling, incoherent attempts (I know, I know...how is that different from every other post? it was, somehow), I gave up and decided to wait until I had an ounce of energy. So, here we go.

Friday I eagerly anticipated the arrival of family. Unfortunately, their 12 hour drive had snowstorms, car accidents (not theirs) and traffic, so I did not get to see them. However, I spent the evening grocery shopping, cleaning out bookshelves...I got rid of over 40(!) and worrying about the impending holiday...the one where I had decided to have 9 people to my tiny apartment for Easter supper.

Saturday was re-no day. My mom and I painted my bedroom (2 coats) and arranged furniture. This took all. day. Carrie and her mom stopped by for the mom's to meet. My mom cried when she saw Carrie and thanked her for taking good care of me after Scott's death. It was a touching moment. An unexpected trip to the paint shop (no-VOC paint is wonderful, I used Harmony by Sherwin Williams and there no fumes at all...however, it takes a bit more paint than the normal, chemical filled kind. Just so you know )and a lunch at O'Carrs, and then just 1 more hour of painting and we were done! Then I relaxed by going to V.I.P night at the new restaurant in town, Fire and Ice. It was lovely. Complete with free food, not free beer, flirting waiters, delish meals and way too much laughter. We spoke of the thermostat as though it were a person! And we weren't even intoxicated! We were also shushed by a bitter fellow outside. I may or may not have said something along the lines of 'if his wife were half as loud as we were, he would probably be a happier man'...or something like that. Went home, where more family came into town and we finished up the apartment prep for...
EASTER! Woke up early and went and had coffee with my little sis, Ashley. It is so nice to see her. She moved to Wisconsin in Dec., and this is the farthest we have ever lived apart. She is one of my best friends and it is nice to have her staying with me for most of the week. Lots of sitting on the bed late at night talking about life. ANYWAY, then the madness began. We straightened, mopped, did food prep...the works. Mom came over and real work began. I did not have foil for the ham (who knew you needed foil?), nor did I have enough potatoes...thank God for the Western's Easter hours. Everything was scheduled for 2...so at 1:45 they all started rolling in. We had been counting on those last 15 minutes to get a lot done, so the moment the cars pulled up was a flurry of last minute activity ("Quick, grab my handbag, hide this mirror we never got around to hanging, move the coffee table, Ashley, go stall...er, help them out of their cars!").
The next 4 hours passed in a haze of cooking, talking, playing baseball in the backyard with my 5 year old brother and good memories of Scott. Oh, didn't I mention? To honor Scott and do something that I knew he would love, I invited his paternal Aunt and Uncle and Grandmother. They got along just swimmingly with everyone, and I think everyone fell in love with everyone else. Lots of laughing and politics talk (what is it with people over 65 talking loudly about politics?) and remembering holidays past. Stories were told, glasses were lifted, friends were made. It was a very redemptive meal for me. Here in my apartment, inviting everyone to my table and preparing food. Breaking bread with one another, knowing the sadness that had past and feeling the new life that Easter and Spring bring with them.
The house emptied at 6:45 and I sat down exhausted. Shed some tears over the sadness of doing this by alone and missing Scott. He would have loved it. Every second of it. He would have been in the kitchen, cooking and out back, playing baseball, pouring wine for the older folks and telling stories with Sue Ellen.
At 8:30 I was in bed, asleep by 9:30. Whew.

Easter had new meaning for me this year. Life after death. Celebration after Mourning. Feasting after fasting. Yes.

*pictures to come soon*

Termites and crack...or Elisa's First day of Spring

Yesterday was a good day. Got a ton done at work, although never as much as I hope. My friend let me borrow his car as mine is still in the shop, the sun was shining. Scott's family came for a little visit and brought me the rest of my new bedroom furniture (before and after pics soon), and I planned to have CJ over for a new recipe (a rendition of Urban Standard's Orzo pasta salad) and a beer to celebrate Spring the start of Kitchn: The Cure, which we are both participating it. And, she and I signed up for a veggie CSA with Grow Alabama. All good things to celebrate!

I get home and start to cook. Tender Orzo boiling on the stove, beer freshly opened, when I notice a little bug. I thought "Well, that's what you get when you cook with the door open" and killed it. Then I noticed another...and another. I determined that they were coming from the water heater closet. I opened it up to find TERMITES! EVERYWHERE! There was a crazy swarm of them. I instantly freaked out and started doing an insane "get the hell away from me" dance and armed myself with the only chemical left in my house: bleach. I sprayed them as though they were out to kill, yelling things like I hope this burns your soft, soft underbellies (what!?)and You will not ruin my Easter!!. About this time CJ came in. Witnessing my meltdown, she quickly decided we must go out to eat. On our way to a Mexican joint for Guac, we saw Nabeels...and quickly pulled in.
It was wonderful. We feasted on stuffed grape leaves and feta, Taramasalata dip (the aptly named 'crack' dish of caviar and greek yogurt) and fried potatoes. Accompanied by wine of course. My termite problems were soon forgotten in an hour long conversation about food (seriously, we talked food for an hour). We dissected the flavors and nuances of each item and their pairings and potential. It was refreshing. It was also decided that we now must start a tradition of Greek food on the First Day of Spring. After literally eating the dip with our fingers after running out of crudites, we decided it might be time to go home....to the TERMITES.
they had all perished in a chemical induced frenzy and lay waste on my kitchen floor. A quick run with the vaccuum and the evidence was gone.
This easily could have been my undoing. I am just starting to like the apartment, and this incident could have turned me off of my kitchen and my home completely. But it didn't. I cleaned up, drank and beer and laughed about it. After Ant Wars 2008, termites are a breeze.
When I got to work today and told my 'cellmate' about it, a coworker from a few cubes away piped up "When are you going to call someone about getting your hex removed". I need to get on that...

A visual of the horror:

Soon this will change, just like the seasons

HAPPY SPRING! This year spring means so much to me. Life after death, green after so much brown. Plants springing up, longer days, bike rides. It make me want to get a new green tattoo. I am sure I am going to write more about this later!

Anyone want to buy me a bookstore chain? I promise to give you all the free books and coffee you want.

If interested, see here.

oh yeah, you may have heard of this little chain that is up for sale. Borders.

Tales of a dissatisfied apartment dweller...and her semi-famous dinner

Check me out on Apartment Therapy.com! Look here to see my dinner fixins. (I am elisaruth under Good Links). I am participating in The Cure, an 8 week apartment overhaul and re-do. This weeks assignments were (are) long and laborious. They are: Clean kitchen top to bottom, cook one homemade meal (see pic), clean out pantry and fridge, buy fresh flowers, make an outboz and clear one horizontal space. Oh yeah, and run your hands over every wall in the house, moving the furniture and all. The author has very interesting ideas for why all of these things are important, and so far they are actually making a difference. You can check out the book on Amazon. It is different from most decorating/organizing books in that you focus on doable goals and only do what you can afford and want.

So far I have: cooked, cleaned out pantry and fridge and 1/2 of the kitchen. Tonight I am tackling the oven and plan to try out an all natural cleaner of baking soda and water. Week one had me buying fresh flowers, scrubbing the floors, and replacing with all natural cleaners. Lucky for me I went all natural a year ago.

This program is intended to kick start you into living in and loving your apartment. That is more difficult than it seems because they are often so temporary and big changes are impossible. You have to work with what you have. I am re-doing the bedroom, painting it next week and getting some more new (free!) furniture tomorrow.

As I have said, the part of my house I love the most is the kitchen that leads out to the back door. The breeze comes through and natural light shines right onto the island I pull out. Plus, my homegrown herbs and compost pile are a step away.

What is your favorite part of your home? Why?

Weeds sprout through, dark green enough to be blue

Random thoughts on a sleepy night.
I should be at The Spots show. I have been looking forward to it for a long time. Yet, here I am, in my PJs in front of my computer. Many reasons for this. I am exhausted (today was the first 'this is what your job is going to look like after the downsizing', and it is busy). I also attended a wedding today! My dear friend Wesley was married to Deanna today on St. Patricks day, which we lovingly refer to as "Wesley's Valentines Day". It was lovely. Only about 25 of us and Wes, in his green shirt and tie, smiling like a Cheshire cat and Deanna giggling and looking beautiful. It was not as hard as I imagined a wedding would be, but it wasn't easy. I kept thinking things like "Oh, that is what I was planning" and "I want this".
The Spots were the band that I was planning on having play at my wedding. I didn't realize how that affected my decision not to go until now, as I sit here with tears streaming down my face. Not necessarily bad tears, just tears of loss. They are much less frequent, but still there. sigh. I plan to make it to their next show, as they are my favorite live show. Fantastic and fun and intimate, no matter how many people are in the room. They create a great vibe. It was probably just the vibe I need tonight! ;)

On another note, check out this blog: Spitball Army. CJ introduced me to it after he wrote a post about Bicycling. I am hooked. It is funny and smart and intelligent (those are two different things) and very sharp. Also quite informative. You can tell that he is interested in a lot and appreciates many things. Not to mention that he is now (along with BTM and JN and CJ) one of the people I want standing next to me as I buy a new cd. His love and knowledge of music is contagious and oozes out of most everything he writes. Go there. Now. Don't even finish this post...it is just as rambly as the last 50!

I have noticed that I have visitors from all over the country looking at the blog. That is strange to me. Do I know you? How do you find this? I guess the same way that I find random blogs...it is different when it is just my little blog.

I am in the midst of an apartment overhaul. This is all an attempt to create a sense of home here. I realized last week that this is the only apartment that I have ever had that did not have a boy attached to it somehow. This one is all me. I like that. No one to consider when decorating, no memories attached to painting, or hanging drapes. Only the memories of my community coming together to get me settled in my new home when nothing else was settled. Truly. Anna organized the kitchen, David and John hung pictures, Chris hung my drapes, CJ helped me decide if the color organized bookshelves were a good idea, Carrie helped me throw away spoons that needed to be tossed (long story). Everyone helped me with trucks and muscles with all 3 of my moves (3!). Now it is me and I am really starting to like it. i love that my kitchen has a back door, so everyday I cook with the door open and a neighborhood cat, Rascal, comes and sits on the patio and lounges in the sun. 2 dogs come by every day to sniff what is cookin. I have a compost pile and 2 garden that are open canvases for my imagination. This is home and I like it. Despite the circumstances that brought me here, I like it. One day I really think I will love it.

Weekend round-up

What a spring weekend! It was fun and productive and relaxing. Here is the rundown:

Friday they send us home early because of morale (see previous post for details). Also want to note: They are done downsizing, so I made the cut. Friends of mine did not. However, my job is going to change drastically, as there are now only 2 Assistant Buyers for the entire company. Updates this week as news breaks on that.
Came home, opened the windows and took a mid day nap on my new bed. It is so relaxing and wonderful. No problems sleeping anymore. phew. Spent the rest of Friday cleaning, hanging pictures and getting ready for...
Book Swap! Saturday I made coffee, did some last minute organizing and sat on the couch to read. 11:20 and friends started showing up. It was a great time. Old friends, new friends, Bain Morris (and his family)...it was beautiful. Played outside, hung out inside, the works. The weather cleared up enough and it turned out to be a pretty day. I also visited Urban Standard for the first time. I am hooked. this is the real deal folks...a good coffee shop with real mugs and delish mocha's and killer orzo pasta salad. Check it out this week, I insist! On to Green Cup Books, where CJ hugged a book and I smelled them all (seriously). Another must do in the city. Very cool and new. Support them.
Finished the day at another bookstore, looking at home magazines to inspire my apartment re-do (see Apartment Therapy: The cure..an 8 week program to get your apartment healthy and beautiful).
Sunday: slept late, made coffee and breakfast...went back to bed with coffee and books and macbook. Stayed there till 1. Went immediately to the garden where I spent the next 2 hours tilling, weeding, sowing. I had quite the dirt manicure. And a good sunburn. While I was doing that an idea popped into my head that I worked on as soon as my hands were clean. A new blog!

Called Life as a Garden, I envision this blog to be a shared blog of women in our city. Telling tales of gardening, cooking, baking, decorating, entertaining. Building and maintaining our 'nests' here in Birmingham. You can find it here. If you would like to be a part of it, let me know and I will add you. Ideally, I would love for it to include women of all ages and stages and walks of life. A place to share our triumphs, difficulties, tests, mistakes, questions about all things relating to our homes (whatever and wherever they may be) and our communities and families. Trying to incorporate beauty and life into everyday living. I am curious to see if it works and what it will turn into.

Well, time to make pesto ravioli from scratch. Wish me luck.

Happy St Patricks Day. Go see The Spots tomorrow (Monday) at The Speakeasy. All the cool people will be there. Including me.

Well I was lost and I was found

Yesterday 1/2 of the people in my position were eliminated. In the name of "Corporate Downsizing". So were about 5 other people in my building. It was a very scary day, everyone walking around wondering if they were next, fearing our managers shadow in our doorway.

I made the cut. for now. I am not sure I have prayed and pleaded as much as I did yesterday. It surprised me how calm I was throughout the entire thing. That may not sound like a big deal, but to a single woman who supports herself completely, the loss of a job is huge. Huge. Yet, I told myself (and God) "I've been through worse. I know you'll figure this out, I just don't really see how.". A major switch from my usual thinking "Well, god has left me, so I am probably going to lose this too". When I took this job, I sincerely felt that this is what God wanted me to do, and I think that He blesses that. You may not agree, but we'll agree to disagree on this.

Growth for me.

We are so dependent on our jobs. However, in the last year, I have become so much less defined by mine. I, and you, are so much more than our careers. Not just careers outside the home, but mothers are more than that. They are more than mothers, they are women, friends, creative beings, readers, writers. We all are. I do love my job, but at the end of the day, I am not my job. I am extremely thankful that my job uses my gifts and satisfies me in that way. I have had jobs that did not, and may have one again. I have learned recently not to be defined by the circumstances in my life. They change, they flucuate, but who I am intrinsically does not.

My job is safe for now, but who knows what today will bring? For any of us.

Thank god it's Friday.

REMINDER: Book Swap tomorrow. 11-3. Get in touch with my for directions. Details at the link on the side. Come with books, come without and leave with some. I have books for all ages. Come just to hang out and visit. I will be here.

I like strippin. It pays

Hilarious. and educational.

I love his deadpan

Nothings going to stop me but Divine Intervention

It feels like every time I try to do something slightly dangerous, or at least unhealthy for me, God steps in and says "Nope, not ready to take any chances yet". Like He has the entire world saving me from myself.

It is good. Yet unnerving.

mini madness

Does anyone know of a place that fixes Mini's? Mine has some water damage (ok, a lot of water damage to the electrical systems, I am an idiot...), and no one in town can fix it. I have been sent all over the place. The BMW place is sending me to Atlanta! Help!

Although a trip to the High Museum and Ikea don't sound so bad...

Weekend round-up

This weekend was more social than most. It felt like my 'coming back into the real world' weekend, which was nice though daunting. Here is the run down:
Friday: work 1/2 day, in jeans. Pissed off at the impending weather doom. After work, made some killer guac. and headed to Susan's house with CJ for some catching up. Laughed so hard that I cried. We joked, mourned, celebrated, ate good food, drank good drinks. It was so refreshing. That is the way I would describe Su...refreshing. I could tell dirty jokes about ex boyfriends and politicians and we would just laugh, laugh, laugh. Loved it.

Saturday: Brunch with friends that was a bit of a friend set up. Walked around Naked Art, admiring the great local art and reminiscing about when it was Zoeys, and VRichards was too small to seat everyone (I miss it). Then I went and illegally printed some Screenplays from a library. I am not going to say much, except that we got busted and I still got the print-outs and saved the day. I am such a bad ass! Like Uma Thurman, without the killing and the Quentin Tarantino dialogue.
Speaking of dialogue, next month starts Script Frenzy, the month long insanity of writing a full length screenplay in 30 days. I participated last year with friends and this year am the leader of the Birmingham Region. It was such a fun event and I highly recommend it to everyone. It is just 30 days of free flowing ideas and typing any bad idea that comes to mind. No editing, just writing. It is a rush and I rediscovered my love of writing from it. I actually went on to enter a contest, which I placed 4th in (a big deal for a beginner). If you are interested, check out the link and get in touch with me. You won't regret it. More posts to come on it. ANYWAY, I also read some scripts this weekend.

Saturday night I went with CJ to the Magic City Art Connection benefit soiree. What a scene. The Birmingham paparazzi was out in full force, as were everyone who wanted to see and be seen. We mingled, had our pictures taken, drank some free beer and hit the road...to the Speakeasy to see Vulture Whale. What a fun band of nice guys who make kick ass music. Check em out. Always enjoy their shows. Also played some rousing games of Foosball, which created a bit of a crowd (people seem to love dressed up girls drinking beer and yelling at the table,not to mention talking complete smack to each other!). Stayed and saw a few songs by Tiger Piss...an, um, interesting band. Got home late, smelling like smoke.
this was a crowd of people that I had not seen in about 2 months, and I was very nervous. It was great. I went with a safe friend, and eased into the social scene. I don't think that I will be back in full force, but occasionally it is nice.

Sunday, I did what is becoming routine. Sleep late, then bike to Starbucks to read and hang out. Got a call that I am getting an antique dresser, chest and new Queen sized bed this week...as a gift! Yea! I am trying to make my apt homey, especially my bedroom...this is going to do wonders for that. Am so very, very excited. A nice end to a nice weekend.
Well, I have another script to read and some dishes to do. This time change thing is messing me up, but I love it! Daylight at 6:35!!
Have a good week.

Comfortably Numb

I have settled into a little routine lately that seems to be helping me survive and maybe, just maybe, enjoy things a bit. I have always been a bit of a routine person (hello, OCD), but my life has been such that a routine never really works. Unless you count drama and chaos as a routine (in which case I am very practiced!). Even growing up I did not have much sameness. We moved a lot, my mother worked retail and my dad changed jobs pretty often. I cannot tell you how many houses I lived in growing up. To some extent I enjoy this fact…I can adjust to change, make friends easily, etc.

College was always a move, a boy, a changed major, working, classes, partying (something I learned well from my folks). Never a routine. I know people who have always had Red Beans and Rice on Mondays, without fail. Or who spend every Sunday morning with their coffee and a book. I have never been that person…until now. ( This is where I originally planned to post my routine, but it was long and probably boring. I may post it later, as this blog has become like the journal I don’t keep that I like to look back on. ) Suffice it to say, my day includes coffee, praying, working, reading, cooking, gardening, cleaning. Occasional walks or bike rides. Everyday, although a bit different, has the same structure to it. It is quiet and safe and comfortable and sometimes even calming.

I do often have friends over or do something fun, but the routine just shifts a bit. I know what my days will look like and that is safe and nice. Safe has become my mantra, my thing. Who knows how long this will stay for. I am not particularly enjoying anything, but am settling in to my life as it is now. Not happy, but not as gut-wrenchingly sad as much. Those days seem to be lessening. Not gone, but not as life defining. I look forward to longer days, more sun, more mojitos and guacamole, more fresh veggies and relaxing company. I am hopeful for spring, hopeful for change, hopeful for hope. What else is there besides Hope? That's the thing.

Mark your Calendars

I am having a book swap! I have WAY too many books that I get from work, both childrens and adult...so time to share. I am not vouching for the literary wonderfullness of any, but they are free. If you have any books or cd's you are ready to part with, bring 'em by. I plan to do this fairly regularly. I figure it is also a good way for us 'bloggy friends' to hang out. Bring your non-blogging friends as well (if there are any out there...). Please come even if you have no books to swap...you can pick some up and then swap them next time.

Saturday March 15 11-3 Open house style. I will be hangin' out, probably reading or getting my hands dirty outside.
Come on by. Stay for 10 minutes, stay for all 4 hours. If you get there early enough there may be snacks!
You can admire my tiny garden, drink some beer...talk books, whatever. Kids are welcome, as I have a big grassy area out back for running and playing. Adults are encouraged to run and play as well.

I am not going to include my address, but most of you know how to get in touch with me. Or know someone who does. Directions will make their way around, I am sure of it.

See you then! More reminders to come!

The Tree of Life my soul hath seen

The most beautiful pictures I have seen in quite some time.

Caleb Melese Treadwell and his parents. Welcome to our community Caleb. We love you already.

Weekend round-up

I really enjoy these weekend round ups. They make me slow down and realize why I enjoy weekends. This was the end of Feb and the start of March. In Country Diary of an Edwardian Lady it says
"In February, if thou hearest thunder, thou shalt see a summer wonder".

This summer is going to be pretty wonderful if that is the case.

Back to my weekend:

Friday night, after a long week of moving, having the flu, packing Scott's things, etc...I was ready for a pretty calm night. My friend Carla came over for beer and pesto and we gossiped, talked, ranted about politics and generally had a great time. Later, Carrie and John came over and we did more of the aforementioned talking. Good times.

Saturday I awoke to the sun streaming in my bedroom. Oh Happy Spring Day! Put on jeans and a Tshirt. Went outside, turned around and changed into a skirt. It was starting out wonderfully! I sat outside at Starbucks and enjoyed the sun and cappuccino (I have recently begun a love affair with foam). Afterwards, I went and had a massage by Matthew (at Richard Joseph Salon Spa). I am new to massages, but I can tell you that Matthew is wonderful. I felt better instantly. Relaxed and mellow, I thought I would do some gardening. Thus began Ant Wars 2008. My feet are covered in ant bites, and I have poisoned the ground so that no one in Birmingham should drink the water...but I have no more ants! There was lots of cursing and dancing to get rid of the ants that were climbing my legs and arms...the ground was literally teeming with the bastards when I pulled up a rotten plant. yuck. Plant shopping and bookstore reading followed, as well as my introductions to Flight of the Concords. Anyone seen this? It is funny in a weird way, but i enjoyed it. To bed early. Good day.

Sunday: MORE SUNSHINE! Hopped out of bed, threw on a skirt, shirt and helmet and took off on the cruiser back to Starbucks. My community of friends seem to all congregate there on Sunday mornings, so it was nice and usual and comfortable. Rode home, stopped by the grocery store...I fit 4 bags of groceries in the basket and hanging of the handlebars...very wobbly, scary ride home. In a skirt.
Went to the garden, where I proceeded to spend 2.5 hours pulling weeds, raking, hand tilling, ant annihilating and herb planting. I am sunburned and exhausted. Exactly as I had hoped. Cooked a yummy fresh veggie meal, read some and now am finishing off my Teen Book Sunday read "Kind Dork" (highly recommended). About as good a Sunday as I can ask for right now.

Whew...I need to get to bed early. Keeping my finders cross for an insomnia free night. Those of you with the gift of sleep, say a little thank you tonight to God. those of you who don't ...call me, I am sure I will be up.
If you made it to the end of this insanely detailed post, thanks. Was your weekend good? I hope next weekend is as lovely as this was. And less ant-bitten! To Spring!!! And sleep!

I'll just find a comfy spot and i'll wait it out

I have been looking through my blogs from the last 2 months and am surprised that a) it has been 2 months since Scott's death and b) that I haven't fallen apart sooner.

It seems like so much shorter, yet I almost can't remember what life was like before this. I don't want it to define me, and I don't think that it will, but it is woven into the fabric of who I am now, and can't be taken out.

I am starting to see glimpses of who I am, who I will be and who I used to be. I think that the scars are starting to slowly show themselves. I think that I am going to be slower and quieter. Less edgy, more safe. Take the edge off of my sharpness. Gosh, even writing this, I realize that how I feel and act changes day to day. One day I am so angry at God and at Scott. The next day I am weeping and crying out and can't boil water without crying. Somedays, I will go half the morning and then realize/remember what happened. It doesn't even feel like my life is my life right now. I am surviving and trying to make sense out of it. Can sense be made of it? Is it a futile endeavor?
I know that one day my story will flesh out and I will see this, as we all will see the pain and hurt and realize the good. Until then, I am working on how to live my day to day life. How to trust and hope. How to help my friends trust and hope as well. I am not the only one with crap going on, and I see it in my community and it breaks my heart. How do we all do it? My stuff seems like too much to carry...how can I help you carry yours? How do I speak the Truth to you when I am not sure that I even believe it? Tell you to hope when mine feels dried out? It is hard and it is broken. In the end I guess I just need to pray for God to help my unbelief. Help me hope, help me pray. Help me care for those in my life. Help me. I am utterly incapable.