ordinary things

So, I made my first Tote Bag! I love it. it was very fun.

that's all about that.

I am (along with many others) struggling with God's love. I just don't get it. Or I guess that I just want God to love me how I want to be loved. I don't want to be sanctified this way. Can't I pick my cross to bear? One that doesn't feel so heavy? I see all these wonderful people around me struggling to carry theirs and I just want to cry. Often I feel that I can't help them carry theirs because mine is weighing me down too much. I want to throw it aside and help people i love as they struggle under the weight of their burdens. It seems to me that THAT is what our time here is for...to help each other carry our crosses and encourage each other along the way.
I think I am looking for hope, and a reason for pain. Because it doesn't make sense to me. I can look back and see where pain has helped me, but...I don't know, can't God just do it? I realize that I sound like a petulant child, but I am tired of pretending like I always believe that pain is good. I am actually sick of it. I want a break. I want my friends to get a break. It is hard for me to enjoy beauty because I am scared of what is next. sigh. Maybe someday I will be able to trust God fully, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. And I certainly don't see me making it happen. He is going to have to show up and make it so. I am not capable.

cheap women...a trailer of sorts

My good friend Carrie and I are embarking on a journey into financial freedom. That sounds like the worst book ever! anyway, we are having a contest to see who can spend the least amount of money is 4 months. 4 months! that is a long time. We both realized recently that our financial lives are a bit...well...crazy. We quit jobs that were 'successful', and are trying to figure out what to do next. Both working at Starbucks making...not a lot. Resting and taking a long hard look at ourselves and our world, trying to decipher where we may be a fit. We are also both single, which is a big thing. it may not sound it, but it really is. Women are raised to believe that after college, you will be taken care of. We are pretty much only taught to balance our checkbooks, not how to fully support ourselves and retain our femininity. It is hard. Our culture is also hard for single women. Spending money is applauded, trendy clothes are required, gym memberships mandatory. I don't want that! We are attempting to shine light on this and figure out how to live differently in this mixed up world.
So, like any good hipsters, we have decided to do it on the web. We are setting up a kick ass website. It is not up yet, but will be. We will be blogging daily about our lives and finances. And the contest! Book reviews! Tip of the day! We hope that by being totally honest about where we are financially, we will begin to unravel the mystery that is our vocations. It is daunting but fun. And, being who we are, we are also selling some pretty sick merch. All handmade by us. Another aspect of this project is to see if it is feasible make a living selling our art and working at Starbucks. At the end of these 4 months, I am hoping to have a little insight on my life and my future, even if it is realizing that I cannot afford to live on my art and getting another corporate job to make ends meet.
I will keep you updated. Check our website (up by September 1). www.cheapwomen.org.

Cheap women: Saving our souls one Penny at a time.

also, forgive me if I suddenly start making you gifts, or wearing the same clothes for a week, or asking to do laundry at your house....it is going to be a fun little journey.

Quote of the week

When talking about why I am not interested in a 9-5 job, or the corporate grind, prefering to try to make it my own way:

"If I am not going to be someone's wife, I am certainly not going to be anyone's bitch"

Argh! It's so cute!!

Here is my first 'creature'. I really love little dolls like this, so I am trying to create some. I am getting all kind of Frankenstein on some felt! Anyway, this is my little bunny. she is imperfect and messy (like me), but I love her. Her name is Matilda. She is glad to meet you.

I am working on a robot protype. Stay tuned for more fun creatures!

You don't know where you are going until you know where you come from

This week has been really good to me. On Sunday night, I made a decision that was sort of big to me. It may not seem it to anyone else...but it is. I decided to go with my dream of making money from selling my screenprinted things (mainly T shirts, but I have big plans for other things). This was something I took up as a hobby a few months ago, and loved it. Even better, I am quite good at it. It is going to be hard, and I don't know what the hell I am doing, but that is not stopping me. ANYWAY...along the way, I also realized that perhaps I could sew some things too. You see where this is going...I opened my mind to creative possibilities and it was madness! I can make adorable stuffed creatures! Aprons! Bags! I felt so at peace and pleased. Somehow (probably Jesus) I started wondering about why I love this so much and why the idea of being 'crafty' makes me feel comfortable and peaceful.
It opened a window to my past. A connection to all of the women in my family. They are all crafters and creators. I recall summers spent making doll clothes and pillows at my Abuela's house. Painting little plastic boxes and Tote bags, embellishing pillows for my mothers bed. Doing this while my Abuelito did woodcrafts for us to paint. These are some of my fondest, safest memories of childhood. My maternal grandmother has always been crafty, but in a completely different way. She can pass any 'junk' pile on the street and see potential. So much so that she started her own flea market in New Orleans at age 70! and she is single! Even my parents were crafters. All of the curtains in our houses growing up were made from sheets, and I had a love affair with puff paints that is probably unrivaled. My father built the bookshelves that I use today.
Seeing this has cleared the way for me to see other connections. Such as my love for hospitality. Both of my parents grew up in houses with parties and family dinners. I remember watching my mother organizing elaboratly themed parties, and my father planning block parties (going so far as to get a permit to close down the streets for the kids). Other ways as well; my grandmother was very proper, and this is probably why I love using cloth napkins and won't use paper in my home (even just for a sandwich!).
It is really amazing what seeing all of this has done for me and my little soul. It has been redemptive at a time when I feel alone in my family. I feel less lonely, more connected. As though I know a little bit more of my story. I am so thankful that God opened my eyes to these things. The timing was perfect, I was feeling orphaned. Although that feeling remains, this softens that sting. I have never like traditions or history, but I think that was fear mixed with trepidation. I did not want to have anything in common with my parents. Now I am thanking God for these parts of me, and seeing the beauty in my family and in my messy life. I am hoping to take all of this and pass it along, more beautifully and tenderly. Make it my own, while keeping the heart of it.
When I sit down at my sewing maching, or take out another napkin, I can feel the women in my family cheering me on. I feel pride in continuing this tradition of making beauty from ordinary. It is peaceful and humbling. And indescribably redemptive.

Yea being born!

Today is my Birthday!!! So, if you see me buy me a drink! Tell me you Love me! Tell my why! Hug me! Kiss me! Help me celebrate being alive and being part of this messy, broken, beautiful world! Or just tell me Happy Birthday (and that I am pretty!).

I am hopeful for 28. It is a nice number...unlike 27. I mean, what number that adds up to be a prime number can be good? really.

The sun shone today

My friends just threw me a surprise Birthday Party! It was a total surprise. They did not know that I have always wanted a party, but never gotten one. Always tried not to hope for one. It was beautiful. People from all facets of my life were there, many who did not know each other. they were all there for one reason...to celebrate me! They are my family. I felt loved especially.

plus there was beer.

Here's to hoping 28 kicks 27's ass!!!!!

(and the card attached would say) Thank you for being a Friend.

what i realized today at the bookstore

That because I am single, childless and 'careerless', I do not exist. Except for shitty writers to write and then sell me how to books, you know, to help me gain a valid existence. Otherwise, I am just taking up space. Need extra money, single girl? Why don't you babysit? Need to feel better about your life, smug married person? Why don't you belittle mine?

*this is not an attack on married people, just married people who make it their project to fix me, aka marry me off and legitimize me. oh yes, also people who act as though I am some adorable novelty. That Elisa is so fun and quirky. I could never do it! I hope she meets someone soon.

My favorite is relatives who say " have you thought about getting married?". WHAT? MARRIAGE! THATS A GREAT IDEA! NEVER EVEN CROSSED MY MIND. I WILL GET RIGHT ON THAT!

I do have wonderful people in my life who love single me, and while they do want me find someone, it is not their primary goal. I just wish that their voices were louder than society's in my head.

so, if you are single, I am clearly desperate to get married. Come talk to me. I am obviously in no position to be picky, as my days are numbered. I DO!!!
(if you actually do this, I may kick you in the face)

writers block

I am having trouble thinking of things to write here. I am not sure if this is good or bad. It could be good, in that I don't feel the need to vomit my problems. It could be bad, in that I am also really lazy right now. I have thoughts on things, but I don't feel like writing them out. I also don't feel like doing a lot of things...I just want to have done them.
I am crazy. seriously.

here's to hoping I am inspired soon...

I see Spots and so should you!

Friday August 17 at the Speakeasy, check these guys out. Not only do they make kickin' flyers, they also play the best live sets I have ever seen. Seriously, I would not lie about this. I may lie about many things, but music is not one of them. They are improvisational, so watching them is a lot like sitting around a living room with these guys. Except with beer and about 100-200 other folks. Plus, they are making a live recording, so you may be famous. Who doesn't want that? So, to sum up: The Spots...Speakeasy...August 17. I will be there and will allow you to buy me a beer.



See you there!

oh yes, the link to their music is on the right, in case you don't believe me.

Bring $5 to buy the CD, you will be glad you did.

yep

This is a card in the game Bibleopoly:

Wavering Faith, go back 7 spaces.

I would never make it past home.

How I am like Dave Eggers (or the story of this week)

So, this week has been pretty rough. Have not written in a while, b/c I did not even know where to start. So, I am going to start at the best place to start; the beginning.
My family is a wreck. Seriously, like Jerry Springer. I am still not sure when it got this bad. I guess it started after I was born and my father began his string of adultery and drug use. However, no one knew it was bad until 17 years later when he was caught and my mom kicked him out the day after Christmas. Merry Christmas kids! ANYWAY, it has been a sad, downward spiral since then. oh yes, and he has MS and is bipolar. (as a side note, it is ridiculously cathartic to write all of this.) Fast forward 10 years. My mother is remarried and moving to Milwaukee and taking my little sister. 1 month later, my stepfather threatens Ash, so she quickly has to move in with my Dad. 3 weeks later, my stepfather beats up my mom. She decides that this is ok, and takes him back, officially alienating Ashley from her life. Fast forward until now. Ashley has no respect for my dad, and is angry and acting out (duh). Runs away to her best friend/boyfriends house. What makes me so sad about this is that no one can see that Ashley is angry at my parents for effectivly abandoning her. All anyone can talk about is what a terrible person she is. I can see now that if they admit that she is angry and confused they have to admit that they abandoned her. It is easier for them to blame it on their emotionally wrecked 17 year old daughter. It is a very lonely place realizing that no one in your family sees what you see, and are angry with you for seeing it. My other sister will not talk to me (we had just patched up a lifelong bad relationship). My Dad only talks to me to be manipulative. My mother...well, I don't know what the hell she is doing, but she refuses to acknowledge any feelings at all.
back to the story: I drove to get Ashley, praying the whole time that God would help me figure out what to do. I decided that I would invite Ashley to live with me. We spent 2 days looking for apartments in Hoover (gross!), and going to her old school to enroll her, etc. Each thing we did reminded me that we are alone in this. I have no idea how to parent. I did it because Ashley needs to see that someone in our family is willing to make sacrifices for her. That she can fuck up and will still be loved. Well, last night, Ashley decided that she would rather go back and live with her boyfriend. I have to let her go, my heart breaking the whole time. She is moving into a 2 bedroom house with 7 people, including her boyfriend and her best friend and her best friends baby. Also 9 dogs. 1 bathroom. Why would she choose this over a stable place to live with me? I am hurt and confused. And, I confess, a little glad that I do not have to turn my life upside down, which I feel terrible for feeling.
This all feels like too much for one person to handle. It is reminding me of my lonliness. Making my yearn for Heaven. Forcing me to depend on God. I know that God has chosen me to suffer and that is a good thing, a gift. But, most of the time, I wish he would leave me the hell alone and choose someone else. I am weary. Overwhelmed. I can say this, occasionally, in the moments before I drift off to sleep, I feel so close to Him that it is all worth it.

Diary Entry

Dear God,
I am mad at you. You know why.

Elisa

I am 27 going on 28 (sung to the tune of "I am 16 going on 17)

This entry is going to be all over the place. "How is that different from all of your other posts?" you may ask. it is not.
First of all, this goes out to my good friend Jenn, who requested a blog about The Sound of Music. It is the best movie ever. Ok, that may not be true, but this movie makes me feel safe. When I had my latest eye surgery at the age of 24, the only thing that I wanted to do was watch The Sound of Music and sing along. That movie feels like home to me, which is saying a lot. And that Captain VonTrapp is just so dreamy. I love to watch it and sing along loudly with wine or beer. I am weird. There was redemption in that movie. The part that totally creeps me out however, is when they get married and then the children start calling Maria "Mother". i don't like that. I relate to Maria. I watched recently and it was so good to watch right now. It is about a woman trying to figure out who she is, and changing the course of her well-planned life to do it. I love that. so, that is my blog about The Sound of Music. I love you Jenn!

Last night I had some major family drama. It was heartbreaking. How did I become the voice of reason? And why am I the only person who sees certain things? How do parents fail their children and then wonder why suddenly there is an angry, bitter 18 year old acting out? messing up. It is so sad. I can't write any more about this right now, it is too fresh. more to come later.

I am thinking of going to film school for Screenplay writing. I did a crazy thing in July and I wrote a feature length film in 30 days. it was challenging, but fun. To my surprise I loved it, and am quite good at it. So much so that I have entered various contests and written more and want to pursue it. This prospect is very exciting for me, yet Terribly Scary. This entire past year, I have decided to let go of safe, and choose adventure. choose freedom. choose beauty. It IS scary, yes, but my life has been scary so far and I have made it. I am stronger. I figure why not choose scary, especially when it is exciting-scary, not suffering-scary. Nothing is really safe here. The illusion of control is all we have.

So, get ready for me to be the next Matt Damon...or at least have him star in one of my films. I am thinking something along the lines of 'girl leaves safe world, becomes world famous blogger and/or screenwriter, ends up marrying big star who stars in her first film'. Then gives millions to charities and open skateboarding parks in lower income areas. Oscar, here I come...