ordinary things

So, I made my first Tote Bag! I love it. it was very fun.

that's all about that.

I am (along with many others) struggling with God's love. I just don't get it. Or I guess that I just want God to love me how I want to be loved. I don't want to be sanctified this way. Can't I pick my cross to bear? One that doesn't feel so heavy? I see all these wonderful people around me struggling to carry theirs and I just want to cry. Often I feel that I can't help them carry theirs because mine is weighing me down too much. I want to throw it aside and help people i love as they struggle under the weight of their burdens. It seems to me that THAT is what our time here is for...to help each other carry our crosses and encourage each other along the way.
I think I am looking for hope, and a reason for pain. Because it doesn't make sense to me. I can look back and see where pain has helped me, but...I don't know, can't God just do it? I realize that I sound like a petulant child, but I am tired of pretending like I always believe that pain is good. I am actually sick of it. I want a break. I want my friends to get a break. It is hard for me to enjoy beauty because I am scared of what is next. sigh. Maybe someday I will be able to trust God fully, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. And I certainly don't see me making it happen. He is going to have to show up and make it so. I am not capable.