This could be crazy

I am considering some things lately. Here are a few of them:

1. Buying used for one year. Clothes, shoes, etc. The only thing I may buy new if needed is bike parts...I use it too much to risk.

2. Selling my car. From there I will either a)not get one or b) get a really cheap one for emergencies.

3. Learning to play an instrument. I am thinking acoustic guitar because I can't fit not afford a piano. I have been wanting to do this for a long, long time and I think now may be the time.

4. Making it a point to write as much as possible. I have gotten better at this, although this blog may seem to prove otherwise. However, I have been writing in a journal more and enjoying the act of putting pencil to paper. So much so that I want to write even when i don't want to write.

I think that is enough for now. Too much probably. These are the ideas that are rolling around in this tiny head of mine (seriously, have you looked at my head lately...it is really small. Like, childrens helmet and ski goggles small!).

Sweepin' the floors, open up the doors

Yes, I have quietly decided to start I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning back up again. I honestly don't know what it will look like from now on. I feel like I am strong enough to put myself back out there a bit without oversharing. I am also praying that God will grant me wisdom and protection.

Been thinking about it for some time. So...hello again. How have you been, internets?

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

Insomnia has decided to come and visit for a while. Hence the new look to the blog. I have also updated my Photoshop page with recent pics if you would like to check it out.

I am finding that I am less scared of things. I am a little too tweaked out on no sleep to elaborate, but plan to soon. so stay tuned...

I had two dear friends for dinner and we ate outside near my garden. it was beautiful. good food, good wine, good friends, conversation and laughter. I leave you with a picture of that. We started at dusk and stayed well into the night.

Help! I need somebody...

To help me build these shelves. I have a wall this is crying out for them. I will provide supplies, and BEER (or whatever else you want...within reason).



Oh won't someone please come to my rescue?

picture from Apartment Therapy.

creeps please do not apply. There are no 'special benefits' from doing this. FYI

Oh my

I just found this. A cottage. for rent. In Cali. On a Farm. with a garden.

Someone tell me that I DO NOT need to fly out there to see it. Quickly.

Dirt manicures preferred

I have been spending my lunch break reading Farmgirl Fare, a blog that chronicles a 26 year old (then married) woman's journey from urban Cali to a huge farm in Missouri. See also Writings from Woodridge Farm, the newsletters from the very beginning.

I want to follow her. My coworkers make fun of me because I want a goat and 2 chickens. Really badly. My back porch has no room for a table with all of the pots of vegetables growing. My Dad laughed when he saw the tray of seedlings growing on top of my washer (hey, it's warm there!).

As I consider the Great Wide Open and where life may take me (both physically and emotionally) in the days and years to come, I am starting to wonder if I need to go where the Buffalo Roam (or the Lemon trees grow...whatev). Can I do both...urban and country? do I want to?

I don't know where God is leading me, but it seems that it is somewhere where the air is clean and people don't scoff at bike commuting and maybe, just maybe, a chicken coop in the backyard is ok.

Simple as it should be

I love this face. and I miss it.

He looks so happy here. Carefree and light. The boy I fell in love with. I almost don't remember him like this, but everyday I remember it a little more.

People ask me if I have any romance in my life. I was talking to a friend about this, and she said "You do have a love interest. He happens to have died, but he is still your love interest". Yes, he is.

I was always so worried about him and his health. Any little stomachache would have me in a tailspin, worrying his cancer was back, or his immune system was still messed up. My greatest fear was his death. I would cry just thinking about it. Now is is a reality in my life, in a way that I never would have imagined. How does life stray so far from the way we picture it?

Last night I spent time with dear friends, and we started talking about how much I have changed in 2 years. I am not sure that I would recognize that self walking down the street. I think of things that I did and things that I let happen and I am stunned. At the time of intense change, I couldn't imagine things being better. Yet here I am, thankful that those things have changed. I am sure that that story would have also been beautiful, but I would never have learned the things I learned and become the person that I am today. Someone who is more sure of herself than ever. Someone who won't be put aside and told she is not good enough. Someone who doesn't straighten her hair everyday and rides a bike in a skirt. Who prefers gardens over bars and beer over martinis.

I don't know what I was trying to say in this post. I started with a picture and here we are, miles from where I thought I would be. Seems about right.

Carrie sent me this saying that she thought fit me. I love it, and want to have it letterpressed and hung in my house, over my bed. It is this:

fluctuat nec mergitur
"Tossed by the waves, she does not sink."

then she said that she wished my tossing were more like surfing! I have always wanted to surf...

Weekend round-up

This weekend round-up is belated due to exhaustion. I was too tired from the very weekend I was attempting to write about. After 2 rambling, incoherent attempts (I know, I know...how is that different from every other post? it was, somehow), I gave up and decided to wait until I had an ounce of energy. So, here we go.

Friday I eagerly anticipated the arrival of family. Unfortunately, their 12 hour drive had snowstorms, car accidents (not theirs) and traffic, so I did not get to see them. However, I spent the evening grocery shopping, cleaning out bookshelves...I got rid of over 40(!) and worrying about the impending holiday...the one where I had decided to have 9 people to my tiny apartment for Easter supper.

Saturday was re-no day. My mom and I painted my bedroom (2 coats) and arranged furniture. This took all. day. Carrie and her mom stopped by for the mom's to meet. My mom cried when she saw Carrie and thanked her for taking good care of me after Scott's death. It was a touching moment. An unexpected trip to the paint shop (no-VOC paint is wonderful, I used Harmony by Sherwin Williams and there no fumes at all...however, it takes a bit more paint than the normal, chemical filled kind. Just so you know )and a lunch at O'Carrs, and then just 1 more hour of painting and we were done! Then I relaxed by going to V.I.P night at the new restaurant in town, Fire and Ice. It was lovely. Complete with free food, not free beer, flirting waiters, delish meals and way too much laughter. We spoke of the thermostat as though it were a person! And we weren't even intoxicated! We were also shushed by a bitter fellow outside. I may or may not have said something along the lines of 'if his wife were half as loud as we were, he would probably be a happier man'...or something like that. Went home, where more family came into town and we finished up the apartment prep for...
EASTER! Woke up early and went and had coffee with my little sis, Ashley. It is so nice to see her. She moved to Wisconsin in Dec., and this is the farthest we have ever lived apart. She is one of my best friends and it is nice to have her staying with me for most of the week. Lots of sitting on the bed late at night talking about life. ANYWAY, then the madness began. We straightened, mopped, did food prep...the works. Mom came over and real work began. I did not have foil for the ham (who knew you needed foil?), nor did I have enough potatoes...thank God for the Western's Easter hours. Everything was scheduled for 2...so at 1:45 they all started rolling in. We had been counting on those last 15 minutes to get a lot done, so the moment the cars pulled up was a flurry of last minute activity ("Quick, grab my handbag, hide this mirror we never got around to hanging, move the coffee table, Ashley, go stall...er, help them out of their cars!").
The next 4 hours passed in a haze of cooking, talking, playing baseball in the backyard with my 5 year old brother and good memories of Scott. Oh, didn't I mention? To honor Scott and do something that I knew he would love, I invited his paternal Aunt and Uncle and Grandmother. They got along just swimmingly with everyone, and I think everyone fell in love with everyone else. Lots of laughing and politics talk (what is it with people over 65 talking loudly about politics?) and remembering holidays past. Stories were told, glasses were lifted, friends were made. It was a very redemptive meal for me. Here in my apartment, inviting everyone to my table and preparing food. Breaking bread with one another, knowing the sadness that had past and feeling the new life that Easter and Spring bring with them.
The house emptied at 6:45 and I sat down exhausted. Shed some tears over the sadness of doing this by alone and missing Scott. He would have loved it. Every second of it. He would have been in the kitchen, cooking and out back, playing baseball, pouring wine for the older folks and telling stories with Sue Ellen.
At 8:30 I was in bed, asleep by 9:30. Whew.

Easter had new meaning for me this year. Life after death. Celebration after Mourning. Feasting after fasting. Yes.

*pictures to come soon*

Well I was lost and I was found

Yesterday 1/2 of the people in my position were eliminated. In the name of "Corporate Downsizing". So were about 5 other people in my building. It was a very scary day, everyone walking around wondering if they were next, fearing our managers shadow in our doorway.

I made the cut. for now. I am not sure I have prayed and pleaded as much as I did yesterday. It surprised me how calm I was throughout the entire thing. That may not sound like a big deal, but to a single woman who supports herself completely, the loss of a job is huge. Huge. Yet, I told myself (and God) "I've been through worse. I know you'll figure this out, I just don't really see how.". A major switch from my usual thinking "Well, god has left me, so I am probably going to lose this too". When I took this job, I sincerely felt that this is what God wanted me to do, and I think that He blesses that. You may not agree, but we'll agree to disagree on this.

Growth for me.

We are so dependent on our jobs. However, in the last year, I have become so much less defined by mine. I, and you, are so much more than our careers. Not just careers outside the home, but mothers are more than that. They are more than mothers, they are women, friends, creative beings, readers, writers. We all are. I do love my job, but at the end of the day, I am not my job. I am extremely thankful that my job uses my gifts and satisfies me in that way. I have had jobs that did not, and may have one again. I have learned recently not to be defined by the circumstances in my life. They change, they flucuate, but who I am intrinsically does not.

My job is safe for now, but who knows what today will bring? For any of us.

Thank god it's Friday.

REMINDER: Book Swap tomorrow. 11-3. Get in touch with my for directions. Details at the link on the side. Come with books, come without and leave with some. I have books for all ages. Come just to hang out and visit. I will be here.

Comfortably Numb

I have settled into a little routine lately that seems to be helping me survive and maybe, just maybe, enjoy things a bit. I have always been a bit of a routine person (hello, OCD), but my life has been such that a routine never really works. Unless you count drama and chaos as a routine (in which case I am very practiced!). Even growing up I did not have much sameness. We moved a lot, my mother worked retail and my dad changed jobs pretty often. I cannot tell you how many houses I lived in growing up. To some extent I enjoy this fact…I can adjust to change, make friends easily, etc.

College was always a move, a boy, a changed major, working, classes, partying (something I learned well from my folks). Never a routine. I know people who have always had Red Beans and Rice on Mondays, without fail. Or who spend every Sunday morning with their coffee and a book. I have never been that person…until now. ( This is where I originally planned to post my routine, but it was long and probably boring. I may post it later, as this blog has become like the journal I don’t keep that I like to look back on. ) Suffice it to say, my day includes coffee, praying, working, reading, cooking, gardening, cleaning. Occasional walks or bike rides. Everyday, although a bit different, has the same structure to it. It is quiet and safe and comfortable and sometimes even calming.

I do often have friends over or do something fun, but the routine just shifts a bit. I know what my days will look like and that is safe and nice. Safe has become my mantra, my thing. Who knows how long this will stay for. I am not particularly enjoying anything, but am settling in to my life as it is now. Not happy, but not as gut-wrenchingly sad as much. Those days seem to be lessening. Not gone, but not as life defining. I look forward to longer days, more sun, more mojitos and guacamole, more fresh veggies and relaxing company. I am hopeful for spring, hopeful for change, hopeful for hope. What else is there besides Hope? That's the thing.

I am 27 going on 28 (sung to the tune of "I am 16 going on 17)

This entry is going to be all over the place. "How is that different from all of your other posts?" you may ask. it is not.
First of all, this goes out to my good friend Jenn, who requested a blog about The Sound of Music. It is the best movie ever. Ok, that may not be true, but this movie makes me feel safe. When I had my latest eye surgery at the age of 24, the only thing that I wanted to do was watch The Sound of Music and sing along. That movie feels like home to me, which is saying a lot. And that Captain VonTrapp is just so dreamy. I love to watch it and sing along loudly with wine or beer. I am weird. There was redemption in that movie. The part that totally creeps me out however, is when they get married and then the children start calling Maria "Mother". i don't like that. I relate to Maria. I watched recently and it was so good to watch right now. It is about a woman trying to figure out who she is, and changing the course of her well-planned life to do it. I love that. so, that is my blog about The Sound of Music. I love you Jenn!

Last night I had some major family drama. It was heartbreaking. How did I become the voice of reason? And why am I the only person who sees certain things? How do parents fail their children and then wonder why suddenly there is an angry, bitter 18 year old acting out? messing up. It is so sad. I can't write any more about this right now, it is too fresh. more to come later.

I am thinking of going to film school for Screenplay writing. I did a crazy thing in July and I wrote a feature length film in 30 days. it was challenging, but fun. To my surprise I loved it, and am quite good at it. So much so that I have entered various contests and written more and want to pursue it. This prospect is very exciting for me, yet Terribly Scary. This entire past year, I have decided to let go of safe, and choose adventure. choose freedom. choose beauty. It IS scary, yes, but my life has been scary so far and I have made it. I am stronger. I figure why not choose scary, especially when it is exciting-scary, not suffering-scary. Nothing is really safe here. The illusion of control is all we have.

So, get ready for me to be the next Matt Damon...or at least have him star in one of my films. I am thinking something along the lines of 'girl leaves safe world, becomes world famous blogger and/or screenwriter, ends up marrying big star who stars in her first film'. Then gives millions to charities and open skateboarding parks in lower income areas. Oscar, here I come...