I love this face. and I miss it.
He looks so happy here. Carefree and light. The boy I fell in love with. I almost don't remember him like this, but everyday I remember it a little more.
People ask me if I have any romance in my life. I was talking to a friend about this, and she said "You do have a love interest. He happens to have died, but he is still your love interest". Yes, he is.
I was always so worried about him and his health. Any little stomachache would have me in a tailspin, worrying his cancer was back, or his immune system was still messed up. My greatest fear was his death. I would cry just thinking about it. Now is is a reality in my life, in a way that I never would have imagined. How does life stray so far from the way we picture it?
Last night I spent time with dear friends, and we started talking about how much I have changed in 2 years. I am not sure that I would recognize that self walking down the street. I think of things that I did and things that I let happen and I am stunned. At the time of intense change, I couldn't imagine things being better. Yet here I am, thankful that those things have changed. I am sure that that story would have also been beautiful, but I would never have learned the things I learned and become the person that I am today. Someone who is more sure of herself than ever. Someone who won't be put aside and told she is not good enough. Someone who doesn't straighten her hair everyday and rides a bike in a skirt. Who prefers gardens over bars and beer over martinis.
I don't know what I was trying to say in this post. I started with a picture and here we are, miles from where I thought I would be. Seems about right.
Carrie sent me this saying that she thought fit me. I love it, and want to have it letterpressed and hung in my house, over my bed. It is this:
fluctuat nec mergitur
"Tossed by the waves, she does not sink."
then she said that she wished my tossing were more like surfing! I have always wanted to surf...
4 comments:
wow.
Now that's the Scott I, too, try to only remember. Great picture. Thanks for sharing. I'm rooting for the "unsinkable Elisa Ruth"
"i think she is the saddest girl to ever hold a martini"
that quote just came to mind.
i'm glad that you're now the kind of girl who rides a bike in skirt, who drinks beer, who writes, who calls herself badass, and who choses safety and vegetable gardens, and has excellent taste in books. to life, and death, and the bittersweet that come between. i'm glad you are the way you are.
Liz-thanks. I am glad too. I wish the road to this place had been less...um, shitty, but I am beginning to like where I ended up.
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