How deep is that river?

Thanks Fred O for introducing me to the song from which this post is named (By Mason Jennings). I have been listening to it a lot today.

This post is going to be angry and heavy, so if that is not your thing, you might want to click on another Blog (there are lovely ones on the right side).

Someone I know died today. I was not close to him (although he unknowingly had an impact on my life...as proof that there are still good men out there). His death has had a huge impact on me today. I am sure that is from my still fresh wound, but it sucks nonetheless. I don't understand. What the fuck is God doing? Dewayne is married, so his wife is now a widow. Tonight, I am having a really hard time believing that God does not hate women.

We were created to be helpers. So, why am I alone? Why is Cheryl now alone? Why are so many great, great women alone? The very thing that we are created to yearn for is taken away or not given. WHY? What is the purpose? I don't understand. I know that I am supposed to trust and not understand...but I need something. It is getting harder and harder to believe in a God that does things like this. I try hard to do as I believe He is leading me. Where has that gotten me? Alone and sad.

I know, I know...I have great friends and a good job, great apartment, health. I am thankful for those things. But right now, that is not enough. If God has put these yearnings in me, then I want him to show up. Quickly. Because I am not sure how much longer I can be brave and trust him.

I think that this is what is known as a 'crisis of Faith'. Great.

The lyrics to this song can be found here. The ones that have been in my head all day are;
Before I put my trust in you, I just want to know how deep.

yes, how deep?

Listen when all of this around us'll fall over, I tell you what we're gonna do

Ok, this is going to be a rant. I am SO MAD! Please excuse the rampant use of ‘adult words’.
Is God fucking with me? Seriously. Today I finally got my car back from a week long service visit. It is still busted. As I was realizing this on the way to drop off the car I borrowed, I was pulled over. Now I am out the money for the crap job on my car, AND a ticket. Oh and did I mention…my license is suspended for a ticket that I paid over the phone but did not go through. So now I have to pay exhorbitant fees for that in addition to the ticket (also bogus…I did NOT coast through the stop sign…at least he didn’t arrest me for the suspended license) in addition to the car repairs that still need to be done.

I can handle the big stuff. But this little shit is killing me. Car stuff, termites, moving, leaky toilets, job chaos…It feels so overwhelming. I am supposed to trust God? WHAT? Show up and I will. Throw me an effing bone here. I am not asking for an entire life change…how about a month where I can feel some rest? A fucking respite.

If my belief was in my hands, I would be out of the game. I am sick of this, and so tired.

I am glad it is sunny out, even though I have no windows to see it with! I can feel
it.

UPDATE: came home to Termite Carpeting. Then, an hour later the toilet started overflowing. A trip to Western later and still overflowing...called the landlord and still waiting for the 'emergency line' to call us back at Midnight.
I may or may not have gone #1 outside...I have a secluded backyard area with a huge bush blocking things...
Pictures below.




The good thing is that my sister is with me, so we laughed SO hard. Literally crying. I am so thankful she was here to help me deal with things and laugh at ourselves. I love you Ash!!

Weekend round-up

This weekend round-up is belated due to exhaustion. I was too tired from the very weekend I was attempting to write about. After 2 rambling, incoherent attempts (I know, I know...how is that different from every other post? it was, somehow), I gave up and decided to wait until I had an ounce of energy. So, here we go.

Friday I eagerly anticipated the arrival of family. Unfortunately, their 12 hour drive had snowstorms, car accidents (not theirs) and traffic, so I did not get to see them. However, I spent the evening grocery shopping, cleaning out bookshelves...I got rid of over 40(!) and worrying about the impending holiday...the one where I had decided to have 9 people to my tiny apartment for Easter supper.

Saturday was re-no day. My mom and I painted my bedroom (2 coats) and arranged furniture. This took all. day. Carrie and her mom stopped by for the mom's to meet. My mom cried when she saw Carrie and thanked her for taking good care of me after Scott's death. It was a touching moment. An unexpected trip to the paint shop (no-VOC paint is wonderful, I used Harmony by Sherwin Williams and there no fumes at all...however, it takes a bit more paint than the normal, chemical filled kind. Just so you know )and a lunch at O'Carrs, and then just 1 more hour of painting and we were done! Then I relaxed by going to V.I.P night at the new restaurant in town, Fire and Ice. It was lovely. Complete with free food, not free beer, flirting waiters, delish meals and way too much laughter. We spoke of the thermostat as though it were a person! And we weren't even intoxicated! We were also shushed by a bitter fellow outside. I may or may not have said something along the lines of 'if his wife were half as loud as we were, he would probably be a happier man'...or something like that. Went home, where more family came into town and we finished up the apartment prep for...
EASTER! Woke up early and went and had coffee with my little sis, Ashley. It is so nice to see her. She moved to Wisconsin in Dec., and this is the farthest we have ever lived apart. She is one of my best friends and it is nice to have her staying with me for most of the week. Lots of sitting on the bed late at night talking about life. ANYWAY, then the madness began. We straightened, mopped, did food prep...the works. Mom came over and real work began. I did not have foil for the ham (who knew you needed foil?), nor did I have enough potatoes...thank God for the Western's Easter hours. Everything was scheduled for 2...so at 1:45 they all started rolling in. We had been counting on those last 15 minutes to get a lot done, so the moment the cars pulled up was a flurry of last minute activity ("Quick, grab my handbag, hide this mirror we never got around to hanging, move the coffee table, Ashley, go stall...er, help them out of their cars!").
The next 4 hours passed in a haze of cooking, talking, playing baseball in the backyard with my 5 year old brother and good memories of Scott. Oh, didn't I mention? To honor Scott and do something that I knew he would love, I invited his paternal Aunt and Uncle and Grandmother. They got along just swimmingly with everyone, and I think everyone fell in love with everyone else. Lots of laughing and politics talk (what is it with people over 65 talking loudly about politics?) and remembering holidays past. Stories were told, glasses were lifted, friends were made. It was a very redemptive meal for me. Here in my apartment, inviting everyone to my table and preparing food. Breaking bread with one another, knowing the sadness that had past and feeling the new life that Easter and Spring bring with them.
The house emptied at 6:45 and I sat down exhausted. Shed some tears over the sadness of doing this by alone and missing Scott. He would have loved it. Every second of it. He would have been in the kitchen, cooking and out back, playing baseball, pouring wine for the older folks and telling stories with Sue Ellen.
At 8:30 I was in bed, asleep by 9:30. Whew.

Easter had new meaning for me this year. Life after death. Celebration after Mourning. Feasting after fasting. Yes.

*pictures to come soon*

Well I was lost and I was found

Yesterday 1/2 of the people in my position were eliminated. In the name of "Corporate Downsizing". So were about 5 other people in my building. It was a very scary day, everyone walking around wondering if they were next, fearing our managers shadow in our doorway.

I made the cut. for now. I am not sure I have prayed and pleaded as much as I did yesterday. It surprised me how calm I was throughout the entire thing. That may not sound like a big deal, but to a single woman who supports herself completely, the loss of a job is huge. Huge. Yet, I told myself (and God) "I've been through worse. I know you'll figure this out, I just don't really see how.". A major switch from my usual thinking "Well, god has left me, so I am probably going to lose this too". When I took this job, I sincerely felt that this is what God wanted me to do, and I think that He blesses that. You may not agree, but we'll agree to disagree on this.

Growth for me.

We are so dependent on our jobs. However, in the last year, I have become so much less defined by mine. I, and you, are so much more than our careers. Not just careers outside the home, but mothers are more than that. They are more than mothers, they are women, friends, creative beings, readers, writers. We all are. I do love my job, but at the end of the day, I am not my job. I am extremely thankful that my job uses my gifts and satisfies me in that way. I have had jobs that did not, and may have one again. I have learned recently not to be defined by the circumstances in my life. They change, they flucuate, but who I am intrinsically does not.

My job is safe for now, but who knows what today will bring? For any of us.

Thank god it's Friday.

REMINDER: Book Swap tomorrow. 11-3. Get in touch with my for directions. Details at the link on the side. Come with books, come without and leave with some. I have books for all ages. Come just to hang out and visit. I will be here.

I'll just find a comfy spot and i'll wait it out

I have been looking through my blogs from the last 2 months and am surprised that a) it has been 2 months since Scott's death and b) that I haven't fallen apart sooner.

It seems like so much shorter, yet I almost can't remember what life was like before this. I don't want it to define me, and I don't think that it will, but it is woven into the fabric of who I am now, and can't be taken out.

I am starting to see glimpses of who I am, who I will be and who I used to be. I think that the scars are starting to slowly show themselves. I think that I am going to be slower and quieter. Less edgy, more safe. Take the edge off of my sharpness. Gosh, even writing this, I realize that how I feel and act changes day to day. One day I am so angry at God and at Scott. The next day I am weeping and crying out and can't boil water without crying. Somedays, I will go half the morning and then realize/remember what happened. It doesn't even feel like my life is my life right now. I am surviving and trying to make sense out of it. Can sense be made of it? Is it a futile endeavor?
I know that one day my story will flesh out and I will see this, as we all will see the pain and hurt and realize the good. Until then, I am working on how to live my day to day life. How to trust and hope. How to help my friends trust and hope as well. I am not the only one with crap going on, and I see it in my community and it breaks my heart. How do we all do it? My stuff seems like too much to carry...how can I help you carry yours? How do I speak the Truth to you when I am not sure that I even believe it? Tell you to hope when mine feels dried out? It is hard and it is broken. In the end I guess I just need to pray for God to help my unbelief. Help me hope, help me pray. Help me care for those in my life. Help me. I am utterly incapable.

So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out tryin' to live

I was reading a book called "Healing after Loss', which is not something I would normally read, but nothing is normal now...so I thought what the heck.
I digress.

Anyway,at the end of the 1st day, the prayer said in it "May I honor-and trust-the processes of grief and healing,..."

That hit me. hard. That is what I need, that is what God is calling me to. Trust. He has me here, right now, in all of my messiness for a reason. I have no earthly idea what that reason is, but I need to trust it. I know, deep down, that all of this will someday make sense in my larger story. Even the things that I am clinging to and overdoing (gardening, cooking, reading) are good and life-giving and closer to who I really am than many of the things I have clung to in the past (fashion, alcohol, approval from men). I can feel change in me, slow and painful, but it is good and it feels right. These sorrowful nights are making me long for heaven and lean on him more. Feel my aloneness as opposed to running from it and grasping to fill it. It sucks, but I have to trust that it is good. I think that may be the hardest part of being a Christian, at least for me. But isn't that what it is all about? Bearing your cross and trusting that you are bearing it for a reason, even when that reason seems so far away and what you want to do more than anything is shrug it off and walk away? Yet you keep struggling, even though all reason says to run like hell, because you hope that one day it will be lifted. Faith and hope...they are so connected. Hope is the thing that keeps my faith alive and faith is the hope that God will show up again, just like he has before. That everything I believe is true and there will be a day when there are no tears.

My entire existence feels like repentance right now. As though all of the changes I am making and all of the new, safe habits I am cultivating are saying "ok, I will chose to wait on beauty, I will not choose chaos." I said to Gordon (side note: Gordon Bals is the best counselor I know and he and his partners have a beautiful ministry. You can find out more about it here.), "Normal life feels too hard", and that was a big revelation to me. Abnormal, chaotic life has always been my way, what I am used to, how I deal. Trying on safety feels strange, but good. Honest. Repentant. Saying to God "I don't know what the hell I am doing, but I know that I am going to try my hardest to trust you and wait on you, instead of relying on the the things I am used to".

Someone commented on this post that we need to fight back against the pain and the sorrow so as not to be held captive by it (it is said so much more eloquently there so check it out). What I thought was 'YES'. I think that for me that looks like leaning into beauty more, leaning into the things that are life-giving, not succumbing to chaos and falsities. Not listening to lies, such as "you better take what bits of beauty you can find, because nothing more is coming your way" or "you attract chaos, you will never escape it". those are lies. I don't know what God has in store for me, but this dark time is part of it and I want, no, need to trust that. It is going to be hard and everyday will be a battle, but I want to fight it.

And if there is anything I can say I am, it is a fighter.

I try to keep myself occupied, 'cause I know you're not coming home

Here is the truth that I have been hiding for a few weeks. I am not doing well. At all. If any of you were wondering why I have been so distant, that is why. Probably also why I have been blogging like crazy...so as not to have to really talk to anyone and distract myself.

I am a mess. Every night I cry, weep myself to sleep. At least an hour of this. I can't stop buying shit that I know won't make Scott come back. I hate my new apartment (don't get me wrong, it is very nice and lovely, but i resent it and everything it means). I invite people to come over, hoping that it will make me like it more. Nope, not at all. I pore through garden books and homey catalogs, thinking that maybe new curtain, or kitchen gadget or, hell, even a new bed will make me like it more. Even my couch is not comforting, which is surprising, for those of you who know me well. I have called in to work 3 days in 2 weeks.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. I will soon also be broke. I wake up everyday and get ready to put on my happy face and 'do the day'. What I really want to do is make a sheet out of Scott's t-shirts and sleep in it. Maybe get up to ride my bike to a coffee shop, but mostly just sleep. The loneliness is oppressive and overwhelming. I thought that time was supposed to make things easier. It seems to be getting harder and harder every day.

I pretend to be hopeful, but I don't think I am. I don't want to take any more chances, I don't want to get hurt again. I am not sure that I can take it. My whole future just disappeared. What do I do now? Move to cali? Go to school? Stay here? Even the thought of going to church exhausts me b/c of the hurt there. I want somewhere to feel safe, and right now nowhere does.

When folks ask how I am going I can't seem to muster the courage to be honest. I shrug and say 'ok', or 'I just bought a bike!'. Somehow it is easier to post it here (I am screwed up, I know). I am lacking in the bravery area currently.

A good friend put on his Christmas Post "I hope for hope". That sentiment comes to mind literally every day since I read it. That is what I am hoping for as well...hope.

Weekend round-up

I just finished my first entire weekend in my new home. It was unexpectedly lovely, for so many reasons. Here is a run down (because I am sure you are just dying to know my weekend details...)

Friday night I said goodbye to Angelica, an unexpected friend from China. She is so brave and fun. She also dresses like Slash sometimes! I also had refreshing, authentic conversations with RMC friends. Went home and went to bed early.

Saturday I started the day with a coffee cupping at Primavera with C.J, a friend who went from a blogger friend to a 'real' friend. I had the best Mocha that I have found in town so far (the very best mocha is from Mocha in downtown Milwaukee...a wonderful mix of dark chocolate, milk, caramel, foam...mmm). The cupping was wonderful and introduced me to their fresh roasted Brazilian blend, which I promptly bought. Then on to The Summit, where I found out that poppies grow in Alabama! Picked up a packet of those and the Smith and Hawken catalog, a dreaming gardeners, well, dream! Next stop, Williams Sonoma. Again, more dreaming and buying. Grapeseed oil in a tin, biscuit cutters...
I digress.
Stopped by Starbucks to have coffee and spend time with a friend I hadn't seen in a while and friends I see often. Kidnapped far-away friend for bike buying excursion. 1 hour later, I was the proud owner of a cool cruiser. Said cruiser has been described by a friend as 'the mac of bikes, sleek and black and white". sigh. It's true. I rode it to a bookshop and grocery store, wearing a skirt and checkered Vans, feeling like a million bucks!!
The day also included lunch and beer at The Garage, and cooking dinner for friends mentioned above. It ended at Bottletree for a Dance Party where I shook my ass with about 100 hipsters, decked out in spandex, dreads, and fanny packs. What a day. The best one I have had in quite some time.
Today (Sunday) I have read my Teen book (An Abundance of Katherines). Thanks Tillman3x's for the rec and the borrowed copy. Also worked on my pesto recipe. Recipe to be shared soon, once it is tweaked a bit more. Modifications include arugula and sprouts. Also successfully tried Red Velvet cake balls from Bakerella.

All in all a very lovely weekend, full of friends, food and other feel good things. God really knows exactly how to make me feel at home here in my new little nest. It's funny how He shows up just when I am sure that he has forgotten me and reminds me that He knows me best and can speak intimately to my deepest fears and pains and longings.

yep

This is a card in the game Bibleopoly:

Wavering Faith, go back 7 spaces.

I would never make it past home.

How I am like Dave Eggers (or the story of this week)

So, this week has been pretty rough. Have not written in a while, b/c I did not even know where to start. So, I am going to start at the best place to start; the beginning.
My family is a wreck. Seriously, like Jerry Springer. I am still not sure when it got this bad. I guess it started after I was born and my father began his string of adultery and drug use. However, no one knew it was bad until 17 years later when he was caught and my mom kicked him out the day after Christmas. Merry Christmas kids! ANYWAY, it has been a sad, downward spiral since then. oh yes, and he has MS and is bipolar. (as a side note, it is ridiculously cathartic to write all of this.) Fast forward 10 years. My mother is remarried and moving to Milwaukee and taking my little sister. 1 month later, my stepfather threatens Ash, so she quickly has to move in with my Dad. 3 weeks later, my stepfather beats up my mom. She decides that this is ok, and takes him back, officially alienating Ashley from her life. Fast forward until now. Ashley has no respect for my dad, and is angry and acting out (duh). Runs away to her best friend/boyfriends house. What makes me so sad about this is that no one can see that Ashley is angry at my parents for effectivly abandoning her. All anyone can talk about is what a terrible person she is. I can see now that if they admit that she is angry and confused they have to admit that they abandoned her. It is easier for them to blame it on their emotionally wrecked 17 year old daughter. It is a very lonely place realizing that no one in your family sees what you see, and are angry with you for seeing it. My other sister will not talk to me (we had just patched up a lifelong bad relationship). My Dad only talks to me to be manipulative. My mother...well, I don't know what the hell she is doing, but she refuses to acknowledge any feelings at all.
back to the story: I drove to get Ashley, praying the whole time that God would help me figure out what to do. I decided that I would invite Ashley to live with me. We spent 2 days looking for apartments in Hoover (gross!), and going to her old school to enroll her, etc. Each thing we did reminded me that we are alone in this. I have no idea how to parent. I did it because Ashley needs to see that someone in our family is willing to make sacrifices for her. That she can fuck up and will still be loved. Well, last night, Ashley decided that she would rather go back and live with her boyfriend. I have to let her go, my heart breaking the whole time. She is moving into a 2 bedroom house with 7 people, including her boyfriend and her best friend and her best friends baby. Also 9 dogs. 1 bathroom. Why would she choose this over a stable place to live with me? I am hurt and confused. And, I confess, a little glad that I do not have to turn my life upside down, which I feel terrible for feeling.
This all feels like too much for one person to handle. It is reminding me of my lonliness. Making my yearn for Heaven. Forcing me to depend on God. I know that God has chosen me to suffer and that is a good thing, a gift. But, most of the time, I wish he would leave me the hell alone and choose someone else. I am weary. Overwhelmed. I can say this, occasionally, in the moments before I drift off to sleep, I feel so close to Him that it is all worth it.

I don't want to look back and wish...

I am ready to live boldly. Why are we wating? for things to settle down, get better, more secure, more money, more time...you get the picture. I have always wanted to live in California, but have been waiting. for...everything and nothing. I say that I moved to Birmingham to be closer to family, which is partly true, but I think I moved here because I was scared. and unsure. Then I stayed because of a relationship, then because of my church...you see where this is going. Well, the idea has popped back into my head. Only now, there is no real, tangible reason to stay that I can fall back on. I have my community, but even they are encouraging me to go. I am a transitional period, and that seems like the worst time to go, but I am starting to think differently. So this topic has been on my mind a lot.
Most people my age that I talk to are waiting to do something. the things differ but the waiting is the same. Why? We are waiting for life to settle down, waiting to see where this relationship goes, waiting for careers to take off. Always waiting. Really, this is the best time to take these chances. If we don't leave our corporate jobs now to chase our dreams of writing, or knitting, or teaching hula hooping to dogs, when will we do it? When we have a spouse and kids? I doubt that very much. This is the time to do these things. THE TIME IS NOW! I keep finding myself and others saying " I know that staying in the job or this apartment or this neighborhood won't matter in 10 years. If you can see that now then how much does it really mean?
We were not created to be safe. We were made to live, to love, to take risks to not waste this life. I am not saying this in a "do everything you want to", license sort of way. I am saying this in a stop living so safely kind of way. Enjoy creation. Enjoy opportunities. Jesus did not sit around, listening to Christian rock in his all white upper middle class neighborhood. He was in the world, rejoicing and suffering. He travelled, met new people, hung around "risky individuals", took chances. Life is Faith.
So, I don't know about you, but I am going for it. Taking my chances. I know I will screw it up some. I am screwing it up some now, I will always be screwing up. I am not going to insulate myself and hide. I don't want to wonder forever what would have happened. May sound cliche, but cliches have become that for a reason.