How deep is that river?

Thanks Fred O for introducing me to the song from which this post is named (By Mason Jennings). I have been listening to it a lot today.

This post is going to be angry and heavy, so if that is not your thing, you might want to click on another Blog (there are lovely ones on the right side).

Someone I know died today. I was not close to him (although he unknowingly had an impact on my life...as proof that there are still good men out there). His death has had a huge impact on me today. I am sure that is from my still fresh wound, but it sucks nonetheless. I don't understand. What the fuck is God doing? Dewayne is married, so his wife is now a widow. Tonight, I am having a really hard time believing that God does not hate women.

We were created to be helpers. So, why am I alone? Why is Cheryl now alone? Why are so many great, great women alone? The very thing that we are created to yearn for is taken away or not given. WHY? What is the purpose? I don't understand. I know that I am supposed to trust and not understand...but I need something. It is getting harder and harder to believe in a God that does things like this. I try hard to do as I believe He is leading me. Where has that gotten me? Alone and sad.

I know, I know...I have great friends and a good job, great apartment, health. I am thankful for those things. But right now, that is not enough. If God has put these yearnings in me, then I want him to show up. Quickly. Because I am not sure how much longer I can be brave and trust him.

I think that this is what is known as a 'crisis of Faith'. Great.

The lyrics to this song can be found here. The ones that have been in my head all day are;
Before I put my trust in you, I just want to know how deep.

yes, how deep?

The Book Thief

I just finished reading The Book Thief. I was sitting on the back stoop of my new little apartment letting the sun shine on me and my bare feet, gripped by this tragic story. Death has been on my mind a lot lately and, as the narrator of this book, has been my friend this week. I am still processing it all, but what I can say, unwaveringly, is this: Read it. It is one of the best Teen books I have ever read.
It is an account of a little girl who is orphaned to a lovely man and his foul mouthed, big hearted wife. She learns to read and steals books. Oh yes, the backdrop is Hitler Russia and there is a Jew staying in their house. There are many tales interwoven into one as death takes you to all of the places he visited during those years.
A beautifully written story that reads like a memoir and makes you sympathetic to Death and the humans who want to meet him. And a little girl who is haunted by him.