Thanks Fred O for introducing me to the song from which this post is named (By Mason Jennings). I have been listening to it a lot today.
This post is going to be angry and heavy, so if that is not your thing, you might want to click on another Blog (there are lovely ones on the right side).
Someone I know died today. I was not close to him (although he unknowingly had an impact on my life...as proof that there are still good men out there). His death has had a huge impact on me today. I am sure that is from my still fresh wound, but it sucks nonetheless. I don't understand. What the fuck is God doing? Dewayne is married, so his wife is now a widow. Tonight, I am having a really hard time believing that God does not hate women.
We were created to be helpers. So, why am I alone? Why is Cheryl now alone? Why are so many great, great women alone? The very thing that we are created to yearn for is taken away or not given. WHY? What is the purpose? I don't understand. I know that I am supposed to trust and not understand...but I need something. It is getting harder and harder to believe in a God that does things like this. I try hard to do as I believe He is leading me. Where has that gotten me? Alone and sad.
I know, I know...I have great friends and a good job, great apartment, health. I am thankful for those things. But right now, that is not enough. If God has put these yearnings in me, then I want him to show up. Quickly. Because I am not sure how much longer I can be brave and trust him.
I think that this is what is known as a 'crisis of Faith'. Great.
The lyrics to this song can be found here. The ones that have been in my head all day are;
Before I put my trust in you, I just want to know how deep.
yes, how deep?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Don't have to apologize to me. I've been there with God hanging that one thing I want right over my head -sometimes right after He's snatched it out of my hands. Well that's what it feels like anyway.
...and there you are in the Picture of the Day, wading into that river, aiming a questioning glance over your left shoulder.
I think God must consider you to be a very strong person, to be testing you this vigorously.
Nat-thanks,. Yeah, this whole being a christian thing is a bitch sometimes (pardon the language)
Fred-I didn't even think of that when I picked that photo. If I wasn't strong before, I am going to be soon.
reminds me of a Mother Teresa quote I read recently "God never gives me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." No, you don't remind me of Mother Teresa....but you do remind me of a strong woman whose faith in God and humankind keeps getting tested. And I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse that you keep "passing" these tests thrown at you. But you do...and you are strong. And that's a pain in itself, sometimes. Call me when you're ready for a mini-vacation with us "girls" again!
Post a Comment