you see, i've been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kind of bore me

I was hoping to have a happier post today, but no such luck. I still feel as I did when I wrote my last post. The tears keep welling up but refusing to free themselves, and me, in the process.

This weekend I did everything that I could to shoo them away. I drank too much, flirted too much...all of the many things that I used to to push them down.

Yet here it is Monday, and I still feel the same way (and hungover!). The good thing is that I recognize my futile attempts to mask my loneliness. That is some growth...a tiny seedling. It is making me laugh a little to see how easily I turn back to the things that I search for solace in. Unhealthy things that I was sure I was done with. As though the last 5 months has erased these tendencies and I am past them. Not so much. It is only when I think that do I get into trouble. My pride weakens me. I am grateful that I can see them for what they are, laugh at my foibles and try again to resist.

I am hopeful.

I will leave you with a picture of the bounty that I brought home (free!) after Brewfest. Too bad the thought of drinking one makes my pounding head pound ever harder...

Weekend round-up

This weekend was full of friends and parties and art and weirdness. I am exhausted, physically and emotionally, so forgive me if this entry is a bit spacey.

Friday my friend Jenn came to stay with me. Jenn has been in Malawi, Africa for six months as a missionary, so I was very glad to see her. So glad that I gave up my Friday night routine for her! She, Carrie and I talked and laughed and caught up until the wee hours (or midnight, which seems really late these days).

Saturday we both slept till 11! Then we got up and sat outside in my garden area and ate veggie omelets and drank too much coffee for a few hours. I caught her up on my life (when she left I had just gotten engaged, so lots has happened...), and it was a lovely morning. Around 2:30, we decided to get dressed and go to lunch. An afternoon with good food and shopping and bookstore browsing commenced. This was followed by a going away party for Brent at Cal's house. It was very nice, with different groups of people and babies and food and cigars and beer. I floated in and out of all of the groups and generally had a good time.

I am in such a weird place right now. I am simply not very comfortable in big groups. This is a big change for me, as I have always been very social and am really good in big groups. Now however, I feel out of place. I know that it is because I am changing so much and trying to fit the changes into my life, but it still sucks. I am either really quiet (which I am ok with), or I become 'life of the party' Elisa. Center of attention, joking, being silly. I DO NOT like this Elisa. One day I will be able to be that person again in public, but now it feels strange and I want to crawl under a rock. My life feels quieter, so I am more comfortable being quieter and calmer. Does that even make sense? Anyway, the party was really nice and it was good to see old friends and get to talk to Brent and wish him well.

Sunday was brunch with a family that I love. They are family to me, and I am so grateful to have them in my life. There is something beautiful about being able to go to someone's house and be 'Sisa', and eat food with them and be with them as they go about regular life. Help myself to their coffee and read stories with their kids. I love it. Later, after a lovely hour on the Starbucks patio, Jenn and I went to Magic City Art Connection. It was my first time there and I really dug it. I bought some lovely jewelry, some as gifts for others, some as gifts for me. On to church. Again, it was nice. The sermon was about Death, and I think that I have some questions for Tom, but will deal with that later...

After church I went to Surin with my friend Liz and her Community Group. Again, a big crowd. Again, hilarious Elisa was out. I had a good time,but was a bit awkward being around young married couples, as my wedding date was to be 2 weeks from Saturday. I am gearing up for a sucky start to May. Scott's birthday is the 6th, wedding date on the 10th, Honeymoon 12-20. sigh. I don't want those days to come and go. I don't want to wake up on May 10 and go canoing instead of get married. I want to have my wedding and wear my dress and dance to The Spots and become his wife and start our lives together. That is what I want.

I digress.

All in all, a nice weekend. Bittersweet. One of the best parts was realizing how much I love my apartment and what retreat from the world it is. Well, I am exhausted tonight and looking forward to resting a bit this week. Next weekend is Jazz Fest(!) and I am very much looking forward to that. I do love Festival Season!

Thanks friends, for sticking with this. Thanks for the beers and the support and for letting me be melancholy or silly or loud or insecure or honest or awkward or quiet. It is appreciated. Have a great week!

Warning: self promotion ahead!

Ok, I normally wouldn't post something like this, but I have been feeling so crazy and down, that when I read this I smiled for a long time. This blogging thing is relatively new to me, but I love it. It is an outlet, and i often wonder if it is boring or too self-important, too scattered, too everything.

Then I saw this on Natalie's blog and I cried, for all the good reasons. It made me feel special and significant (and sometimes we all need that):


"Elisa, a friend of mine from church, recently found my blog, and I am telling you right now to stop everything go read her. Reading her blog is like is like standing, arms outstretched, in the desert while the rushing wind sends your hair dancing out behind you and bites your eyes to tears."

How could I not read that and be thrilled? Thanks Natalie, you are so free and brave.

I try to keep myself occupied, 'cause I know you're not coming home

Here is the truth that I have been hiding for a few weeks. I am not doing well. At all. If any of you were wondering why I have been so distant, that is why. Probably also why I have been blogging like crazy...so as not to have to really talk to anyone and distract myself.

I am a mess. Every night I cry, weep myself to sleep. At least an hour of this. I can't stop buying shit that I know won't make Scott come back. I hate my new apartment (don't get me wrong, it is very nice and lovely, but i resent it and everything it means). I invite people to come over, hoping that it will make me like it more. Nope, not at all. I pore through garden books and homey catalogs, thinking that maybe new curtain, or kitchen gadget or, hell, even a new bed will make me like it more. Even my couch is not comforting, which is surprising, for those of you who know me well. I have called in to work 3 days in 2 weeks.

I am tired. Physically and emotionally. I will soon also be broke. I wake up everyday and get ready to put on my happy face and 'do the day'. What I really want to do is make a sheet out of Scott's t-shirts and sleep in it. Maybe get up to ride my bike to a coffee shop, but mostly just sleep. The loneliness is oppressive and overwhelming. I thought that time was supposed to make things easier. It seems to be getting harder and harder every day.

I pretend to be hopeful, but I don't think I am. I don't want to take any more chances, I don't want to get hurt again. I am not sure that I can take it. My whole future just disappeared. What do I do now? Move to cali? Go to school? Stay here? Even the thought of going to church exhausts me b/c of the hurt there. I want somewhere to feel safe, and right now nowhere does.

When folks ask how I am going I can't seem to muster the courage to be honest. I shrug and say 'ok', or 'I just bought a bike!'. Somehow it is easier to post it here (I am screwed up, I know). I am lacking in the bravery area currently.

A good friend put on his Christmas Post "I hope for hope". That sentiment comes to mind literally every day since I read it. That is what I am hoping for as well...hope.