The waiting is the hardest part

Tomorrow is Scott's birthday. Days like this it hits me suddenly what happened and I feel short of breath. Not because it is so hard still (although it is not easy), but because when I think of the actual facts of what happened, I can't believe I have come out of it as unscathed as I am.

The worst part is the not knowing. That is also the sweetest. When a relationship hasn't worked out, I can clearly see why and watch the person and I grow apart. Not in this case. So many, many what-ifs. He was trying to get better when he died, which was so hard to hear. What would he have been like during and after rehab? what would have happened if he had cleaned up and we had gotten married...what would my life look like? For so long I wanted to see some redemption from it all. These days that is coming a little more easily.

I have a lovely, lovely life currently. I am in a good place and think my life is where it is for a reason. However, I think I will always wonder what would have happened if I had married that boy who was just so damned crazy about me. Who was lost and sad, but so fun and happy and joyful in the midst of it all. I think the possibilities and the wondering are a gift from God to make this easier. I can imagine the best and not relive the worst. Plus, I don't have to think about what have happened had he not gotten help, but spiraled into a life of drugs and pain, with or without me in it. He won't have to worry about bringing pain to me, his family and his friends.I can rest knowing he is where there are no tears or pain. I like that.

Happy Birthday Scott. May 6 will always be a special day to me.

The sun shone today

My friends just threw me a surprise Birthday Party! It was a total surprise. They did not know that I have always wanted a party, but never gotten one. Always tried not to hope for one. It was beautiful. People from all facets of my life were there, many who did not know each other. they were all there for one reason...to celebrate me! They are my family. I felt loved especially.

plus there was beer.

Here's to hoping 28 kicks 27's ass!!!!!

(and the card attached would say) Thank you for being a Friend.

I am 27 going on 28 (sung to the tune of "I am 16 going on 17)

This entry is going to be all over the place. "How is that different from all of your other posts?" you may ask. it is not.
First of all, this goes out to my good friend Jenn, who requested a blog about The Sound of Music. It is the best movie ever. Ok, that may not be true, but this movie makes me feel safe. When I had my latest eye surgery at the age of 24, the only thing that I wanted to do was watch The Sound of Music and sing along. That movie feels like home to me, which is saying a lot. And that Captain VonTrapp is just so dreamy. I love to watch it and sing along loudly with wine or beer. I am weird. There was redemption in that movie. The part that totally creeps me out however, is when they get married and then the children start calling Maria "Mother". i don't like that. I relate to Maria. I watched recently and it was so good to watch right now. It is about a woman trying to figure out who she is, and changing the course of her well-planned life to do it. I love that. so, that is my blog about The Sound of Music. I love you Jenn!

Last night I had some major family drama. It was heartbreaking. How did I become the voice of reason? And why am I the only person who sees certain things? How do parents fail their children and then wonder why suddenly there is an angry, bitter 18 year old acting out? messing up. It is so sad. I can't write any more about this right now, it is too fresh. more to come later.

I am thinking of going to film school for Screenplay writing. I did a crazy thing in July and I wrote a feature length film in 30 days. it was challenging, but fun. To my surprise I loved it, and am quite good at it. So much so that I have entered various contests and written more and want to pursue it. This prospect is very exciting for me, yet Terribly Scary. This entire past year, I have decided to let go of safe, and choose adventure. choose freedom. choose beauty. It IS scary, yes, but my life has been scary so far and I have made it. I am stronger. I figure why not choose scary, especially when it is exciting-scary, not suffering-scary. Nothing is really safe here. The illusion of control is all we have.

So, get ready for me to be the next Matt Damon...or at least have him star in one of my films. I am thinking something along the lines of 'girl leaves safe world, becomes world famous blogger and/or screenwriter, ends up marrying big star who stars in her first film'. Then gives millions to charities and open skateboarding parks in lower income areas. Oscar, here I come...