The waiting is the hardest part

Tomorrow is Scott's birthday. Days like this it hits me suddenly what happened and I feel short of breath. Not because it is so hard still (although it is not easy), but because when I think of the actual facts of what happened, I can't believe I have come out of it as unscathed as I am.

The worst part is the not knowing. That is also the sweetest. When a relationship hasn't worked out, I can clearly see why and watch the person and I grow apart. Not in this case. So many, many what-ifs. He was trying to get better when he died, which was so hard to hear. What would he have been like during and after rehab? what would have happened if he had cleaned up and we had gotten married...what would my life look like? For so long I wanted to see some redemption from it all. These days that is coming a little more easily.

I have a lovely, lovely life currently. I am in a good place and think my life is where it is for a reason. However, I think I will always wonder what would have happened if I had married that boy who was just so damned crazy about me. Who was lost and sad, but so fun and happy and joyful in the midst of it all. I think the possibilities and the wondering are a gift from God to make this easier. I can imagine the best and not relive the worst. Plus, I don't have to think about what have happened had he not gotten help, but spiraled into a life of drugs and pain, with or without me in it. He won't have to worry about bringing pain to me, his family and his friends.I can rest knowing he is where there are no tears or pain. I like that.

Happy Birthday Scott. May 6 will always be a special day to me.

Wait it out

The past 24 hours have been a little on dark side for me. Not black, more of a hazy grey. I have an ache inside that is just hanging out today, making itself comfortable. This song keeps running through my head:

Patty Griffin Time Will Do The Talking lyrics

You were so cruel
I hated being your fool
So I got a little bit more mud on my face
But the years will bring a bigger scheme of things
And make a pretty memory out of my disgrace
I don't believe there is such a thing as saying too much
There are those who like to look and
Those who ain't afraid to touch

Oh baby don't you know that the
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I'll just find a comfy spot and wait it out
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now

Well we dig our heels in
And wonder who's gonna win
Who is gonna win it or wear it out
I change the lock on the door
Or learn how to take a little more
I can outrun all of the devils there
But never the doubt
Try not to throw all your money into 20/20 vision
For the world won't wait on politics or indecision

Oh baby don't you know that the
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I'll just find a comfy spot and wait it out
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now

Can you hear the voice inside you
It calls you back to where you belong
Can you see the one beside you
Who's been standin' there all along
Baby, well you were so cruel
I hated being your fool
So I got a little bit more
Mud on my face
But the years will bring
The bigger scheme of things
And make a pretty memory out of my disgrace

The time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I'll just find a comfy spot and wait it out
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now


Patty Griffin Time Will Do The Talking lyrics

I am tired of waiting. I have so much beauty in my life, but I want more. more, more, more. I want kisses and hugs and someone to rest my head on who will tell me that all is ok, even just for an hour or a meal.

This song gives me hope and helps me to believe when I am sure that Grace and Mercy and Love are real, but not real for me.

I just need to find my comfy spot to wait it out. Isn't that what life is? Looking for your comfy spot to wait it out until Heaven?