Too weak to fight, too strong to fall

Elisa v Depression, Battle Royale 2009

I can feel it trying to creep in and I am fighting with all of my might. I am having trouble with hope (yes, again). I seem to be at some sort of turning point, where I am coming to terms with loneliness, the kind that doesn't ever go away. It will be around no matter if I am married with 2.5 kids or single and living in a tiny garage apartment. The loneliness that comes from being a believer in a broken world, someone who longs for Heaven and occasionally tastes it.

This is not all bad, in fact it is probably good. The realization that no matter how much I scurry around and try to suck life out of things, it won't work. My life will have beauty, yes...but always a loneliness. It seems the sooner this is accepted, the sooner you can rest in it. Rest in loneliness.

I am growing in ways that I didn't think I would ever grow. In my relationships with men, my relationships with friends, relationships within my family. The growth is painful, but beautiful. It is right and good, but not easy. Simple but not easy.

Needless to say, I feel pretty weird these days. A little all over the place. I am constantly searching for redemption and finding it in the strangest places and situations. Hoping for more and trying to live in the realization that I may never get what I want. That sometimes boys will be morons and not know what they want until it is too late. That beauty sometimes looks like a sunny day on my bike and NOT waking up next to someone every morning. That the greatest thing in my life may not be raising children, but instead serving my community. Or it could be both.

Slowly realizing that in the end I cannot write my own story.

I've got dreams, dreams to remember

This happens to be one of them

holding hands while going on a bike date.

sigh...

Wait it out

The past 24 hours have been a little on dark side for me. Not black, more of a hazy grey. I have an ache inside that is just hanging out today, making itself comfortable. This song keeps running through my head:

Patty Griffin Time Will Do The Talking lyrics

You were so cruel
I hated being your fool
So I got a little bit more mud on my face
But the years will bring a bigger scheme of things
And make a pretty memory out of my disgrace
I don't believe there is such a thing as saying too much
There are those who like to look and
Those who ain't afraid to touch

Oh baby don't you know that the
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I'll just find a comfy spot and wait it out
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now

Well we dig our heels in
And wonder who's gonna win
Who is gonna win it or wear it out
I change the lock on the door
Or learn how to take a little more
I can outrun all of the devils there
But never the doubt
Try not to throw all your money into 20/20 vision
For the world won't wait on politics or indecision

Oh baby don't you know that the
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I'll just find a comfy spot and wait it out
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now

Can you hear the voice inside you
It calls you back to where you belong
Can you see the one beside you
Who's been standin' there all along
Baby, well you were so cruel
I hated being your fool
So I got a little bit more
Mud on my face
But the years will bring
The bigger scheme of things
And make a pretty memory out of my disgrace

The time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I'll just find a comfy spot and wait it out
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now


Patty Griffin Time Will Do The Talking lyrics

I am tired of waiting. I have so much beauty in my life, but I want more. more, more, more. I want kisses and hugs and someone to rest my head on who will tell me that all is ok, even just for an hour or a meal.

This song gives me hope and helps me to believe when I am sure that Grace and Mercy and Love are real, but not real for me.

I just need to find my comfy spot to wait it out. Isn't that what life is? Looking for your comfy spot to wait it out until Heaven?

I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas Tree

I was re-reading last years Christmas posts. Wow, what a terrible time. And what a year it has been since then. On this very day a year ago, I found Scott’s car abandoned after a friend said she had seen it. I knew that day that I would never see him again, yet waited 4 more days to go and find him. Couldn’t kill the hope I guess.

Now I sit here a year later, missing him like crazy suddenly. I often think of him, but this weekend has been especially nostalgic. Christmas movies, advent music at church, wrapping gifts all remind me of what I have lost. I was planning on being married and being on the track to children in 2-4 years. Now I am not sure if I will ever have a family of my own. Accepting that is hard, but I am trying.

I don’t understand why Christmas is always a difficult time in my life. I can’t remember the last truly happy Christmas time I have had. Perhaps I expect too much with the media and all the Martha Stewart cookies and Lifetime movies and Romantic comedies taking over the world this time of the year? I can be having a perfectly normal (is that possible?) year and then Dec comes and WHAM! The Shit storm begins. Pardon my language.

This year I have an unknown illness. It has been wreaking havoc on my body for 3 months and peaked recently. In the past 2 weeks I have spent days in the ER, been put under for testing and had a surprise biopsy. Doing all of this has made me feel more alone. Spending hours in doctors offices and driving myself home on Morphine or calling friends to pick me up from the ER alone is lonely. I have a wonderful community who has been taking care of me and I am so grateful for that. But sometimes (most times) when I come home, I want someone to hug me and tell me that they will figure out what is doing on, and that I am pretty despite my fat lip and all the weight I have lost. Someone to cook me dinner and run to the pharmacy when I am too drugged up on pain killers to drive.

This post has a much darker feel than I intended. I started thinking about hope...and this is where I ended up.

I know that God hasn’t forgotten about me, but I wonder what this is about. And why it always seems to happen during Advent. It does make the waiting seem more real and the longing for Heaven more acute. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, that is the reason. To understand that Advent and Christmas are about waiting. Not about decorations, presents or parties. The Hot Chocolate and mistletoe are nice, but in the end not worth much. What is worth the wait is much more eternal.

Hopefully, one day all of this will be worth it. When there are no more tears or pain and I can say, with confidence, that it is true. True and Real.

I long for that day. Until then I will continue to wait and hope. I hope for hope.

These are the comforts that be

Today it feels as though everything would be better if I weren't alone.

I know, I know...I am not alone, I have Jesus. Well, Jesus isn't hugging me or telling me I am pretty or making the bed seem not so huge (or the couch, whatev).

You don't know how much you need touch until you don't really have much of it. I really think it is crucial to survival. Sometimes I feel like I don't exist if I haven't had anyone touch me in a while. I am not talking sexual touch here, folks. Forget the deep kisses, hands on face sort of thing (although that is wonderful). I mean the simple hand on your back, tight hug or quick touch of the arm while talking. Anything to make you feel like a person who matters.

They say that babies who are not touched after birth wither. I believe it. we were made for touch.