Christmas...Merry! Merry!

Still wondering what to get me for Christmas?

Um...this will do. (minus the weird facial expression please...and add a bouquet of flowers if you don't mind)


image from Copenhagen Cyclic Chic

I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas Tree

I was re-reading last years Christmas posts. Wow, what a terrible time. And what a year it has been since then. On this very day a year ago, I found Scott’s car abandoned after a friend said she had seen it. I knew that day that I would never see him again, yet waited 4 more days to go and find him. Couldn’t kill the hope I guess.

Now I sit here a year later, missing him like crazy suddenly. I often think of him, but this weekend has been especially nostalgic. Christmas movies, advent music at church, wrapping gifts all remind me of what I have lost. I was planning on being married and being on the track to children in 2-4 years. Now I am not sure if I will ever have a family of my own. Accepting that is hard, but I am trying.

I don’t understand why Christmas is always a difficult time in my life. I can’t remember the last truly happy Christmas time I have had. Perhaps I expect too much with the media and all the Martha Stewart cookies and Lifetime movies and Romantic comedies taking over the world this time of the year? I can be having a perfectly normal (is that possible?) year and then Dec comes and WHAM! The Shit storm begins. Pardon my language.

This year I have an unknown illness. It has been wreaking havoc on my body for 3 months and peaked recently. In the past 2 weeks I have spent days in the ER, been put under for testing and had a surprise biopsy. Doing all of this has made me feel more alone. Spending hours in doctors offices and driving myself home on Morphine or calling friends to pick me up from the ER alone is lonely. I have a wonderful community who has been taking care of me and I am so grateful for that. But sometimes (most times) when I come home, I want someone to hug me and tell me that they will figure out what is doing on, and that I am pretty despite my fat lip and all the weight I have lost. Someone to cook me dinner and run to the pharmacy when I am too drugged up on pain killers to drive.

This post has a much darker feel than I intended. I started thinking about hope...and this is where I ended up.

I know that God hasn’t forgotten about me, but I wonder what this is about. And why it always seems to happen during Advent. It does make the waiting seem more real and the longing for Heaven more acute. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, that is the reason. To understand that Advent and Christmas are about waiting. Not about decorations, presents or parties. The Hot Chocolate and mistletoe are nice, but in the end not worth much. What is worth the wait is much more eternal.

Hopefully, one day all of this will be worth it. When there are no more tears or pain and I can say, with confidence, that it is true. True and Real.

I long for that day. Until then I will continue to wait and hope. I hope for hope.

Christmas Survey

Time for a happier post. This Christmas may or may not be good. It is the Anniversary of Scott's death, but I will also be at my sister's house for the first Christmas with my 2 year old nephew.

either way, I saw this and thought it was a little fun. So...here it is.

Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper to recieve, although I should admit I VERY often use gift bags. sorry folks

Real tree or Artificial? REAL ALL THE WAY. The smell is unbeatable.
When do you put up the tree? I normally don't, but occasionally I do and it is usually Dec 10th-ish
Do you like eggnog? No. nor do I like Eggnog Latte's. gross
Favorite gift received as a child? I particularly remember getting a white fur coat and I felt so glamorous in it. This was pre-PETA and I lived in the Northeast...calm down
Hardest person to buy for? Whomever I may be dating at the time. too much pressure.
Easiest person to buy for? My Grandmother. she loves every single thing I give her.
Do you have a nativity scene? No, but we had one as a kid that I just loved.
Mail or email Christmas cards? Nope.
Worst Christmas gift you ever received? candle set. I don't like candles much
Favorite Christmas Movie(s)? Love, Actually
When do you start shopping? I don't really shop much. The joy of working in the Retail Buying world! I also like to make many gifts
Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yep. Candle set
Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? mint chocolate anything. hot chocolate, cinnamon rolls
Favorite Christmas song? All I want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey. Fav Hymn: Angels we Have Heard on High and O Come All ye Faithful
Travel at Christmas or stay home? I normally stay home, but this year I am going to Fairhope to stay at with my sister, brother in law and nephew
Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yes.
Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel
Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both!
Most annoying thing about this time of the year? The guilty feeling you get when you don't give the bell-ringers any money. The traffic. and being single.
Favorite ornament theme or color? I don't really like themed Christmas trees. Growing up it was a hodge-podge of homemade ornaments mixed with store bought fancy ones.
Favorite for Christmas dinner? Anything besides the 'traditional' holiday food. I am not a big fan
What do you want for Christmas this year? An Acorn handlebar bag. so pretty!

It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas...

I will be spending yet another Christmas brokenhearted. I am starting to hate this holiday.

I am so glad that I have friends who will invite me over to eat Christmas breakfast with them and their children, who love me as well.

Craft a Day

That is what I am calling this week. This year is my 'crafty christmas', where I attempt to handmake as many of my Christmas gifts as I can. In order to this, I need to get in gear! I must make a craft each day to have everything done. No matter the fact that I am moving soon, I will just have to do a smaller craft. I do not want Dec 24 to show up and me having to stay up all night surrounded by fabric and glue and needles. And beer. That could get dangerous.

wish me luck.

(Props to Carrie for all the crafty ideas that she has given me. they are beautiful and amazing!).