I don't care about the presents underneath the Christmas Tree

I was re-reading last years Christmas posts. Wow, what a terrible time. And what a year it has been since then. On this very day a year ago, I found Scott’s car abandoned after a friend said she had seen it. I knew that day that I would never see him again, yet waited 4 more days to go and find him. Couldn’t kill the hope I guess.

Now I sit here a year later, missing him like crazy suddenly. I often think of him, but this weekend has been especially nostalgic. Christmas movies, advent music at church, wrapping gifts all remind me of what I have lost. I was planning on being married and being on the track to children in 2-4 years. Now I am not sure if I will ever have a family of my own. Accepting that is hard, but I am trying.

I don’t understand why Christmas is always a difficult time in my life. I can’t remember the last truly happy Christmas time I have had. Perhaps I expect too much with the media and all the Martha Stewart cookies and Lifetime movies and Romantic comedies taking over the world this time of the year? I can be having a perfectly normal (is that possible?) year and then Dec comes and WHAM! The Shit storm begins. Pardon my language.

This year I have an unknown illness. It has been wreaking havoc on my body for 3 months and peaked recently. In the past 2 weeks I have spent days in the ER, been put under for testing and had a surprise biopsy. Doing all of this has made me feel more alone. Spending hours in doctors offices and driving myself home on Morphine or calling friends to pick me up from the ER alone is lonely. I have a wonderful community who has been taking care of me and I am so grateful for that. But sometimes (most times) when I come home, I want someone to hug me and tell me that they will figure out what is doing on, and that I am pretty despite my fat lip and all the weight I have lost. Someone to cook me dinner and run to the pharmacy when I am too drugged up on pain killers to drive.

This post has a much darker feel than I intended. I started thinking about hope...and this is where I ended up.

I know that God hasn’t forgotten about me, but I wonder what this is about. And why it always seems to happen during Advent. It does make the waiting seem more real and the longing for Heaven more acute. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe, that is the reason. To understand that Advent and Christmas are about waiting. Not about decorations, presents or parties. The Hot Chocolate and mistletoe are nice, but in the end not worth much. What is worth the wait is much more eternal.

Hopefully, one day all of this will be worth it. When there are no more tears or pain and I can say, with confidence, that it is true. True and Real.

I long for that day. Until then I will continue to wait and hope. I hope for hope.

Dream a little dream of me

I saw this today and couldn't stop smiling


Coeur de Pirate || Comme des enfants from Dare To Care Records on Vimeo.

I know that this blog has been less personal than usual. Someday I hope that will change...but not today. Today it is just sharing something I find inspiring.

enjoy!

Only good tears from this picture. and big smiles.

Halloween 2007. Went as Britney and K-fed's best friends. Someone just sent me this picture and I like it. Sorry Mom and Abuelita for the beer and the belly! You should probably start praying for my soul now...

I miss him. We had so much fun. A lot. Dance parties, reading silly parts in books to each other, taking naps head to foot on my huge couch, planning the bakery/bookstore/coffee shop/diner we would open in Vermont (that we would ride our bikes to every day!), making fun of my seriously long toes...fun times. I miss that impish little smile he has in this picture.

It has seemed hard to really grieve, because not that many people in my life knew him well. All that most people know now are the ugly parts, but there was SO MUCH more to him than that. He was a great guy and really loved me. More than any man has loved me. He pursued me like crazy. It was nice and unexpected. I fell hard and fast for those eyes and that boy who wanted to know more, more,more about me. Did you know that he told his mother that he was going to marry me a year before we ever went on a date?! The first time we met he proposed. A year later, I said yes. Although he hurt me, I don't doubt for a second that he loved me madly. Drugs are powerful. However, they were only a small part of him and of our story and for that I am so thankful. I just recently found out that Scott died trying to get off of drugs. I think it was too hard and he was weary. I will never know.

I still don't understand his death and probably never will. I have to either say that God could not stop this from happening (and what kind of a God is that), or that God knew it and let it happen, which is hard to swallow. Really, really hard. I demanded that He get me through it and He is. Slowly and painfully I am trudging on. I am hopeful for my future and mourn my loss.

Suffice it to say, I miss him, my best friend and reading buddy.

Thanks everyone for hanging in there for this post. I am not sure why it is now, nearly 2 months later, that I felt the need to write this, but it seems to have lifted my burden a bit. So thanks.

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with

Happy Stinkin' Valentines Day!

Today was surprisingly sad for me. Even though Scott and I probably would not have done anything particularly romantic, it still sucks. As I told a friend " Maybe he would have planned a big surprise...I'll never know. This may have been the time that he surprised me with a trip to Rome! ". Which is not true at all...I know him and he thinks it (VDay, not Rome) is as ridiculous as I do :)

It is funny, no matter how stupid the holiday is, it is always a bit depressing when you are alone. Sort of like New Years Eve...you know it is going to be a letdown but every year you get dressed up and hope. So far this year I have made myself some extra yummy coffee, wore my favorite red shirt and went thriftin' on my lunch break. Tonight I will have a lovely dinner with a new friend at my house. I am allowing myself to have little treats, like a waffle maker and extra chocolate after lunch. And maybe some truffles and champagne with dinner. This weekend I may go buy the bike I have not yet been able to bring myself to get.

I have been spending a lot of money lately, much more than usual. Ah, retail therapy. I don't really feel too badly about this. I am normally so careful and conscientious. Right now, little comforts are making a huge difference to me. Books that help me escape, candles to soften the blow of my one bedroom apartment, and delish cheeses to entice me to eat. I know that one day this will need to stop or slow down. Just not quite yet. At least I am not buying ironic Tshirts (for some reason, this makes my spending seem less frivolous).

I am officially rambling and justifying. Hug your friend, eat some chocolate, buy a new soy based candle, tell your friend or lady that she looks pretty. It's F-ing Valentines Day!!!!

Happy Thoughts

I am in love. for real. He feels like family and I am happy. I feel loved, cared for, appreciated, and totally myself. This is IT people!!!
ok, all done.