Too weak to fight, too strong to fall

Elisa v Depression, Battle Royale 2009

I can feel it trying to creep in and I am fighting with all of my might. I am having trouble with hope (yes, again). I seem to be at some sort of turning point, where I am coming to terms with loneliness, the kind that doesn't ever go away. It will be around no matter if I am married with 2.5 kids or single and living in a tiny garage apartment. The loneliness that comes from being a believer in a broken world, someone who longs for Heaven and occasionally tastes it.

This is not all bad, in fact it is probably good. The realization that no matter how much I scurry around and try to suck life out of things, it won't work. My life will have beauty, yes...but always a loneliness. It seems the sooner this is accepted, the sooner you can rest in it. Rest in loneliness.

I am growing in ways that I didn't think I would ever grow. In my relationships with men, my relationships with friends, relationships within my family. The growth is painful, but beautiful. It is right and good, but not easy. Simple but not easy.

Needless to say, I feel pretty weird these days. A little all over the place. I am constantly searching for redemption and finding it in the strangest places and situations. Hoping for more and trying to live in the realization that I may never get what I want. That sometimes boys will be morons and not know what they want until it is too late. That beauty sometimes looks like a sunny day on my bike and NOT waking up next to someone every morning. That the greatest thing in my life may not be raising children, but instead serving my community. Or it could be both.

Slowly realizing that in the end I cannot write my own story.

don't come around here no more

I am so sick and tired of weak men. Men who are scared of messiness, men who are scared of strength. Men who are scared of everything.

grow some. have a little faith. Make some mistakes and then sit in them for a while. Be ok with mystery. Screw up and then come back and tell me you screwed up but don't care and can't live without me.

I look too damn good in a skirt to have to wear the pants.

I am not talking to anyone specifically (although I could be, for sure), but to weak men who are hurting wonderful women with their weakness. It is a pattern that I have seen, in my own life and in the lives of women I love. and I am sick of it.

(i realize I am overgeneralizing and if anyone thinks it would be a good idea to be combative in a comment...it is not a good idea)

Wait it out

The past 24 hours have been a little on dark side for me. Not black, more of a hazy grey. I have an ache inside that is just hanging out today, making itself comfortable. This song keeps running through my head:

Patty Griffin Time Will Do The Talking lyrics

You were so cruel
I hated being your fool
So I got a little bit more mud on my face
But the years will bring a bigger scheme of things
And make a pretty memory out of my disgrace
I don't believe there is such a thing as saying too much
There are those who like to look and
Those who ain't afraid to touch

Oh baby don't you know that the
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I'll just find a comfy spot and wait it out
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now

Well we dig our heels in
And wonder who's gonna win
Who is gonna win it or wear it out
I change the lock on the door
Or learn how to take a little more
I can outrun all of the devils there
But never the doubt
Try not to throw all your money into 20/20 vision
For the world won't wait on politics or indecision

Oh baby don't you know that the
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I'll just find a comfy spot and wait it out
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now

Can you hear the voice inside you
It calls you back to where you belong
Can you see the one beside you
Who's been standin' there all along
Baby, well you were so cruel
I hated being your fool
So I got a little bit more
Mud on my face
But the years will bring
The bigger scheme of things
And make a pretty memory out of my disgrace

The time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I'll just find a comfy spot and wait it out
Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now
Time will tell you baby what you can't hear now


Patty Griffin Time Will Do The Talking lyrics

I am tired of waiting. I have so much beauty in my life, but I want more. more, more, more. I want kisses and hugs and someone to rest my head on who will tell me that all is ok, even just for an hour or a meal.

This song gives me hope and helps me to believe when I am sure that Grace and Mercy and Love are real, but not real for me.

I just need to find my comfy spot to wait it out. Isn't that what life is? Looking for your comfy spot to wait it out until Heaven?

Still wondering what to get me for Christmas?

Um...this will do. (minus the weird facial expression please...and add a bouquet of flowers if you don't mind)


image from Copenhagen Cyclic Chic

Bitten

This is my new 'Dream Guy'...and yes, he is a Vampire from Teen Book Series turned Movie, Twilight. I am not ashamed. Just watch it and I dare you (women) not to want to be treated like that and protected like that.




Don't worry, he is a 'Vegetarian'...no human blood. This movie oozed sexual tension, and there were only 2 kisses and no sexy neck bites.

Bringing Sexy back...a post for the ladies

David Beckham is yummy. I just wish you could see his tattoes in this photo.

I'll take 2 please. Minus the wife.