I have been looking through my blogs from the last 2 months and am surprised that a) it has been 2 months since Scott's death and b) that I haven't fallen apart sooner.
It seems like so much shorter, yet I almost can't remember what life was like before this. I don't want it to define me, and I don't think that it will, but it is woven into the fabric of who I am now, and can't be taken out.
I am starting to see glimpses of who I am, who I will be and who I used to be. I think that the scars are starting to slowly show themselves. I think that I am going to be slower and quieter. Less edgy, more safe. Take the edge off of my sharpness. Gosh, even writing this, I realize that how I feel and act changes day to day. One day I am so angry at God and at Scott. The next day I am weeping and crying out and can't boil water without crying. Somedays, I will go half the morning and then realize/remember what happened. It doesn't even feel like my life is my life right now. I am surviving and trying to make sense out of it. Can sense be made of it? Is it a futile endeavor?
I know that one day my story will flesh out and I will see this, as we all will see the pain and hurt and realize the good. Until then, I am working on how to live my day to day life. How to trust and hope. How to help my friends trust and hope as well. I am not the only one with crap going on, and I see it in my community and it breaks my heart. How do we all do it? My stuff seems like too much to carry...how can I help you carry yours? How do I speak the Truth to you when I am not sure that I even believe it? Tell you to hope when mine feels dried out? It is hard and it is broken. In the end I guess I just need to pray for God to help my unbelief. Help me hope, help me pray. Help me care for those in my life. Help me. I am utterly incapable.
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3 comments:
Ouch. Yes. How can I go minister to you when my own home isn't in order? How can I help others when I can't even help myself? When I neglect the people closest to me? When I reach out am I running from my own problems and responsibilites- running from my own pain instead of running towards yours? Using your helplessness as an excuse to ignore my own? How can I even presume to minister to you knowing that my best words and actions can shred you utterly? How can we bear to be human?
yes.
nothing else, just yes.
oh, and i love the title of this post. :)
I wrote in my journal yesterday, "The past doesn't have to define me, but it will always be part of me." Totally different situation, but what you're saying reminded me of that.
I am glad we're friends.
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