church and loss

I miss church. A lot. Many of you know that I have left the church that I belong to. Sort of a sabbatical that I do not anticipate ending, but could. Every Sunday I find myself sad that I am not going. I could go back to my church, but it does not feel safe for me. And it is not necessarily that particular church that I miss (although I did become a Christian at the church and had hoped it would be a home for me). It is the act of worshipping in a group. Feeling that you are understood just a little bit in a broken world. It is hopeful. and messy. Beautiful.
Communion is something else I long for. To taste the wine and bread, to feel it slide down my throat and really feel Grace and Repentance and Love, all in a bite and a sip. To watch others take it and feel comraderie. A sense of belonging. Sharing sorrows and joys.
Singing. My church has wonderful, wonderful music (thank you BTM and company). I love the sound of many Christians singing the words that were written so many years ago, yet strike a chord with so many of us. Closing my eyes and singing, tapping my toe to the beat, watching a child that I love get into the music and just let go, unaware of how she looks. To see a women crying during the same song.
sigh.
I miss it. all of it.